Carolyn's rants

Update

2009-04-15T22:57:00.000+08:00

http://lifeparadigms.wordpress.com
http://cookiecrumbles.tumblr.com

This is ME

I'm not technology savvy..

2009-04-03T18:16:00.001+08:00

and I'm pretty outdated, but hey! I got myself a tumblr.

http://cookiecrumbles.tumblr.com

Short attention span

2009-04-01T12:51:00.003+08:00

I have a very short attention span when it comes to blogging. I think i'm moving again. HAHAHAHAH.

Chapter 112

2009-03-30T23:27:00.002+08:00

This almost non-existent blog leaves me with sad memories. Why is it that there is a lack of post nowadays? Is it because I have been too busy with my life that there seem to be no time for my blog?

How about keeping a blog just for interest? I wonder.

Does my readers still constantly click this blog just to check out on my life? I wonder.

Perhaps I need to frequent the number of entries - maybe that's how I can keep the blog going or the readers coming.

Lethargic

2009-03-24T10:32:00.003+08:00

I might be enjoying myself everyday.

Except.. My energy seems to be draining out. I have to keep myself enthusiastic before my passion runs out.

A poem for the boyfriend

2009-03-20T14:47:00.002+08:00

A conversation Cheryl and I had over MSN

Cheryl: what do you wanna say?
Cheryl: you string togther what you want to say and I can help you put it into rhym
Cheryl: rhyme* i mean
Me: ala... I don't know what to write sia!
Me: You brighten up my day.
That's all I have to say.
Me: AHAHAHHAHAHA.
Cheryl: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!
Cheryl: after nine months, that's all you have to say??

Can I have this dance?

2009-03-20T11:24:00.003+08:00

I promised to write him a poem for the umpteen time, possibly because we went to Raven's house and saw a little poem from Melissa.

Now. When will I start writing?

Melissa's poem was really mushy and..... I don't like being mushy. But it's our ninth month-sary today and I have been so busy with work the poor boy is missing me! Haha!

Should the poem rhyme? Should it be mushy?

I. must. get. back. to. work. Maybe I'll write later.

Sense of accomplishment

2009-03-16T23:02:00.002+08:00

I have never been a fan of blogging about the day. However, today I feel a sense of accomplishment. My day started at 7am where I had to rush to Unity Secondary to do a program. After it ended at 430pm, I had to rush to office to do 3 things.

1. Sales Meeting
2. Final Prep for Work tomorrow
3. Proposal deadline at 2359hrs

I managed to get all 3 done and I felt this extreme sense of accomplishment. Tomorrow is yet another day of fighting war!! Two programs in the day filled with training and inspiring young Primary 3 & 4 students and then proposals to rush again!

Wednesday will be exactly the same. I always believe that we will reap what we sow. So I'm planting all my seeds now in hope that I will close more sale and hit my target at the end of the day!

Moving on

2009-03-10T11:56:00.002+08:00

It's never easy but when push comes to shove, what choice have you left?

If you're always stuck in the same cycle, getting out of it is difficult. When will it be my turn to be released of the pain? Why can't everything end with "happily ever after"?

Oprah warns Rihanna

2009-03-10T10:43:00.001+08:00

I'm no fan of Oprah. I have never sat through her show in my entire life - but this warning she gives to Rihanna.. I applaud her.

'Love doesn't hurt. I've been saying this to women for years - love doesn't hurt. And if a man hits you once, he will hit you again. He will hit you again. I don't care what his plea is, he will hit you again.'

And I agree/

Through the years,

2009-03-07T15:34:00.001+08:00

I can't imagine I made it through school and then camps after camps after camps.

Yet this feeling in me doesn't die. This determination to close my first sale in CCI just to prove everyone wrong hasn't died on me. I'm ready to persevere and to get ready for the tough year ahead. Sometimes I wonder if I can pull through - at all.

Sometimes, I wake up scared at night wishing that this feeling would go away. But then I know.. at some point in my life, the fatigue will set in. Already, I am feeling bits of it. Maybe because I have not had proper rest in a really long time.

The only thing that comforts me at night is having you hold me to sleep, kissing the pain away.

Greys Anatomy Season 5

2009-03-03T10:45:00.002+08:00

Why do men cheat? He lost his job - He's sleeping with my best friend and all the while he tells me he loves me.

"Maybe he was low. He was down. And he didn't want you to see him in pain, weak and as less than a man. He has his pride so he - turned away."

I don't understand why two people get into a relationship swearing to be with each other forever & ever, or in marriage "Till death do us part".. yet they always end up cheating on the other.

And if the best excuse a man can give is that he didn't want his wife to see him in pain, weak or as less than a man. Then all I can say is - bullshit.

Why get together in the first place if you can't see the weak side of a man? Why be together if you won't be able to accept his flaws? Why be together if at the end of the day, you are only together for the better.. and not together for the worst.

The future

2009-02-25T19:11:00.002+08:00

My diploma course came and went like a wind. For once, I can heave a sigh of relief because I know I'm finally done with my last lap of my diploma course. I will be a diploma holder in 3 months time and my, what happened to the sweet little angel me?

In these last 20 years of my life, I sit and ponder. What have I achieved in life? What does the future hold for me?

I might have gotten myself a job, a path and I know where I'll be in 4 years time. But tonight I feel the sense of uncertainty.

Only because I'll be going for a camp to Bintan for 4 days 3 nights. I'm an instructor but yet I feel the uncertainty like a camp freshie or a participant. What a weird feeling.

I've gotten myself all packed up and ready to leave tomorrow yet there are just so much I can't leave behind. Or am I scared to go? I wonder.

Read between the lines.

2009-02-20T11:05:00.004+08:00

Amidst all my studying for my marketing paper this afternoon, I can't believe that at this day & age, there are still many old & used tactics that men still use on me.

Me: "You haven't gone to bed?"
Guy A: "No.. I'm scared."
Me: *choosing to ignore, so I did not reply*
Guy A: "Because I'm home alone ma.."

I mean, hello? What kind of a stupid excuse is that?

So what should I say in reply to that - or what does the current generation say?
Girl: "Oh.. then how?
Guy: "You come and acc me lor.."
Girl: "Don't want la!!"
Guy: "If not how, I'll be scared leh.."

If you're scared to be home alone, then go and freaking find your mummy!! Seriously, boys, Seriously. *rolls eye*

Beautiful disaster

2009-02-16T10:47:00.002+08:00

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He’s as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I try to save him
My whole world could cave in
It just ain't right
It just ain't right

Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

He's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
And do I try to change him?
So hard not to blame him
Hold on tight
Hold on tight

Oh 'cause I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he’s so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm waiting for some kind of miracle
Waited so long
So long

He’s soft to the touch
But frayed at the end he breaks
He’s never enough
And still he's more than I can take

Oh 'cause I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

He’s beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster

Beautiful Disaster *Slow* - Kelly Clarkson

PARTY/

2009-02-13T23:03:00.000+08:00

PARTAY ON TONIGHT.

hahahahaha!!!! YAY.

Without you.

2009-02-10T18:59:00.000+08:00

If you're fine without me,
I'm fine without you too.

I wish..

2009-02-08T19:35:00.000+08:00

I was overseas studying. Partying & going crazy.

Life's a big mess here in Singapore. Life's a fucking joke, i'd say.

I'm so tired I just want to leave.

I'm too old to PARTAYE.

2009-02-08T12:02:00.002+08:00

I dressed up in a black dress and had glitter on my face.

I was ready to party, drink & get drunk on the friday night at Butter Factory. Afterall, what's to lose? Butter is moving & it's the final party at butter. My best friends were around and my boyfriend is going to be there too. I had to achieve the drunk phase in mind. That was all I was thinking about.

Before I left my house, I ran to the toilet 3 times. Screaming Diarrhoea, diarrheoa, diarrheoa. I was having diarrhoea since the night before, how timely. I only managed to leave the house at 1145pm and only reached Butter Factory slightly after 12am. Although it was late, I knew this was the time I used to go partying previously. Jam sat next to me in the cab and said, "Whaaat. Only 3 hours left."

We reached Butter to our utmost disappointment - there was no table for us. Although we had 1/3 of a bottle & intended to open another bottle in mind - having no table was a problem. We eventually ended up getting a jug of Whisky Coke to which I shook my head to. I could've spent $12 at Dbl O for this jug instead of the $45 I paid to get the jug. (Afterall, Dbl O is love & it was our initial plan.)

Then we got a table at 1am and we started drinking my usual. Martell Martell Martell. I couldn't even finish my first glass. Slowly but surely, we drank even more. At 2am, with many 5-10s, all of us were drunk. (Can you believe it?) We had half the bottle of martell left - Bong was screaming, Wely was jumping around, Leo was massaging his head and Jam was lying back on his chair against the wall falling asleep.

Not only are we too old, everytime we heard a song that we almost wanted to dance to - all we could do was bob our head, or twiddle our fingers to the beat or sway from side to side.

I need to get my swing back. We managed to finish the bottle of Martell but when we made our way to the cab, none of us was really drunk. We were just tired & our backs were in pain and all we wanted to do was sit down somewhere or lie down in our comfort zone.

I think I need to start partying again.

Sorry excuse for sales.

2009-02-03T15:26:00.002+08:00

I've been doing sales for a while now and I've been juggling my projects in between. Funny I wanted to call my clients today & I was actually scared for a minute.

Perhaps it's the rejection I cannot face. When I made my first call, I was actually excited.. & then the second. & the third. And I was initially really happy my sales drive is back in business.

I might have lost a sale today but at least my drive is coming back. I can't wait for everything to start.

Tired.

2009-02-03T02:03:00.002+08:00

I've reached this level of fatigue where I can fall asleep on my Macbook while the MSN (irritating) message alert keeps ringing off. And I wouldn't wake up until Izyan calls me on my HP and David Guetta's Love is Gone plays really loudly from my table.

My boyfriend is snoring next to me and hugging my bolster really tightly. Since when has my territorial space on my bed been taken over? I guess it comes with having another half.

Sleeping alone is a privilege now, more than anything else. Not that I'm complaining about having to share the bed at his place or at mine. But I have reached this level of tiredness that my body can't even take it. The bed is shouting for me and how comfortable it would be if I can snuggle right into my boyfriend's arm and fall right asleep next to him.

Unfortunately, I have a huge amount of my project left to do. And it is nowhere near done. We honestly didn't do this last minute.. everything went according to plan. BUT we placed more effort on one project and forgo the other. That's why we are rushing at this eleventh hour and it is also the reason why my neck is screaming for a massage and my eyes cannot keep open for more than 5 minutes.

I am too tired. Too tired.

Book.

2009-01-28T13:05:00.001+08:00

I haven't picked up a book in so long & I'm dying to.

I don't dare to get a book for myself because if it sits in my room, I'll be spending most of my time reading it & not doing my projects or studying for my exam. I can't wait for the 25th of February where my last paper is.

Then I'll read my book.

One wrong move.

2009-01-28T12:29:00.002+08:00

Too many times in life, the things we want the most is the only thing we can't have.

I hate challenges. & what comes with challenges is me taking up the challenge. And then everything falls apart.

One wrong move you make was to let me walk away and not call me after I've left. That's what pisses me off. And because you did not call me back, you'll have consequences to face. You gave me time to think of how I should never have taken you back.

Need to give him a chance...

2009-01-27T04:37:00.001+08:00

that's what everybody says!

Choco Mint & Fox sweet

2009-01-25T11:03:00.002+08:00

This reminds me of my carefree days at Motorola, way before all the relationship kicked in. I was single for a point in my life (for a long point of my life) and I was partying like there's no tomorrow.

It reminds me of how carefree I was, how much freedom I had. Most of all, it reminded me of my freedom to meet anyone I want, freedom to love anyone I want & freedom to hurt anyone I want.

Fast forward a few more months and I'm officially another half of someone else.. & the idea of a lifelong together slowly seeps away. How is it that whatever he did (no matter how small it was) has me harping on it for so long? I'm quite sick of pretending we were happy all along. I'm quite sick of attempting to try to create the best impression of him..

when he's not that good all the time.

Middle of the night.

2009-01-25T04:51:00.001+08:00

Waking up in the middle of the night is not a nice thing. Especially when you're just up because you're waiting for your boyfriend to end work & come to your place. It's tiring.

Except tonight is different. I feel like sitting down and drowning myself in work.

At 4.48am. I must be out of my mind.

Depressed.

2009-01-24T21:23:00.000+08:00

I feel depressed. Although I'd like to pretend i'm not, but I really feel depressed.

This blog is getting too sappy for my liking.

It's funny..

2009-01-23T20:28:00.002+08:00

how everybody is striving to run to the end of the finishing line but many are falling apart. I hear more & more problems one after the other and I just can't sieve through right from wrong.

I have so many things going on in my head and the last thing I want to think of is my personal relationship. I'd rather just close one eye and pretend nothing ever happened and walk this path alone. I'd rather pretend everything's fine when obviously everything's wrong.

Only because it's my last lap of Polytechnic & one more month till I can scream "FREEDOM!" Just one more. One more before I decide what's the next path of my life. Even though I've already mapped out the path after polytechnic, I'm still afraid to take on the challenge. I'm too afraid to reject what's good for me and I'm too afraid to continue with what's bad for me.

Do you remember?

2009-01-22T09:22:00.001+08:00

Do you remember the first time our eyes met? I was dragging on my stick and you walked out of the entrance looking like you knew exactly who I was. I offered you a stick because I didn't like menthol lights. You rejected at first and within minutes, you were puffing away after much persuasion.

Do you remember the first meal we had? I didn't want to eat and you were badly craving for Long John Silvers'. At that time, whichever guy brought me to LJS for a first meal would be strike off my list immediately..

Do you remember the first movie we watched? And how you fed me candy mix & marshmallows in the cinema?

Do you remember the first fight we had? I switched my phone on silent & you called the whole night.

Do you remember the first supper we had? Bak Chor Mee (my favorite!) near my place.

Do you remember the first time we partied together? And you were so drunk I had to send you home..? Do you remember where we were?

Do you remember the first time I came to your place, and the first time you were at mine?

Do you remember the first major argument we had that you ended up with a high fever for 3 days?

Do you remember the first time you played mahjong and how I taught you at my place before going over to my friend's place at Woodlands to play?

Do you remember the first time you came to TP and picked me up? You dressed up for some fashion show!

Do you remember seeing me cry for the first time? It was the same time you had high fever for 3 days.

Do you remember the first dinner you had with my family? And the subsequent restaurant visits?

Do you remember the first present I gave you? And the first present you gave me?

Do you remember our first overseas trip? To Malaysia, JB? It was with Ahbong & Leo. and the subsequent visits we went together?

Do you remember our first aeroplane ride to Bangkok together?

Do you remember our first walk on the beach? It was at Sentosa...

Do you remember our first clubbing trip where only the two of us went? We were at powerhouse on a Wednesday night & I was trying to test your alcohol tolerance.

Do you remember our first National Day Parade together? We were all in red with my mom & sister.

Do you remember the first campfire we went to together?

Do you remember the first time we went to Pulau Ubin? It was with your grandmother, dad & mom.

Do you remember our first kiss? It was at double O, drunk nevertheless, but still we kissed.

Do you remember your first peck on my cheek was actually under Hazel's block.. before we went to Dbl O.

Do you remember the first perfume I put on?

Do you remember the smell of my skin? The taste of my lips? The feeling you get when you do nothing but put me to sleep?

Do you remember all those times we ate together, watched movies together, got drunk together, played mahjong, went for outings, accompanied each other's family, had balls of fun? Do you remember all those times we spent holding each other to sleep and making sure we end our fight before we rest in bed?

Do you remember the first time we fell in love?

If you could remember at least half the things that happened here, why did you even want to give it away? Why did you almost give it away for some fresh meat? Have we lost the path of love? Or are you bored of the routine now? Is it because you've lost the sparks & chemistry when we first fell in love? Is it because you long for the same kind of feeling you get when you fall head over heels with someone?

It doesn't take too much to make the relationship go strong. It just takes one party to try to keep the relationship... and yet it also takes one other party to break the relationship.

Amazed - Lonestar

Might as well put a bullet through my head

2009-01-19T07:49:00.004+08:00

and get it over with.

I don't understand why men can stray after awhile and women can't. I don't understand why looking for "fresh meat" is the idea of a male animal thing. I didn't sleep well last night and it's painful for me to wake up in the morning to realize that there are some things that can never change.

Why is it that everybody sides the one with which has strayed and nobody cares to think about how I feel? Does love override all? Does "I see that you love him a lot" overrides the fact that he's strayed and almost cheated on me with more than just one girl?

I find it hard to believe that at this day and age, people believe that justice should be served.. only if you don't love him anymore.

& what happens if I still do yet I refuse to be hurt by this idea? I decide to walk away.

Unfaithful.

2009-01-18T13:25:00.001+08:00

It must have been love, but it's over now.

birthdays.

2009-01-16T16:04:00.002+08:00

once again, the birthday is here.

happy 20th birthday to myself. don't know if i am actually anticipating to the celebration.

too many, too little.

2009-01-12T10:59:00.003+08:00

There are too many assignments, too little time.

I have to work to earn money and I have to please my boyfriend. If only I had 48 hours in a day...

but then again, if I had 48 hours in a day... I'll be really fed up because the day would be too long!!

having your heart broken

2009-01-03T22:58:00.002+08:00

is one of the silliest things in life because if you think about it, in order not to get your heart broken, all you have to do is just not fall in love at all.

I wished I never gave my heart away, never fell in love & in so, I wouldn't get my heart broken.

#3 how I spent the last seconds of 2008

2009-01-03T22:36:00.005+08:00

by welcoming 2009, we didn't expect ourselves to get THIS drunk.

Considering, we've partied our whole lives and drunk nights are too familiar to us. We had an impromptu get-together. A celebration at my new house - we expected just a BBQ, a steamboat & a few drinks to welcome the new year. But whatthehell, with Lyn, can you actually expect not to get drunk before the clock strucks 12 midnight?

I bought a bottle of Absolut Vodka (totally loser, but we never expected to get drunk) & Jam brought his half-bottle Cordon Bleu. Leo came with Baileys and there we went shooting Vodka in our mouth one after another, Cordon Bleu neat like no tomorrow, & 2 bottles of Red wine at the struck of midnight. We eventually opened another 2 bottles of wine but they left too early...

Lo & Behold, we got James drunk like a mad cow - his face reaching the highest peak of red. He went to my bed and concussed STRAIGHT away and he couldn't wake up till tomorrow! Bong turning red like a lobster, Leo's eye would fail the breathlyser test, Cheryl & Fari (fari no drinks though) dancing at the balcony of my new place, Kelvin plonked against my living room Sofa. Melissa & Raven (no drinks, but still a lot of fun). We ended up singing Jason Mraz - I'm Yours when Tay Ping Hui was singing it..

Jam went to sleep slightly after 1245pm even before everybody left my place. Cheryl sat at my balcony and slept on the chair while I remember seeing Kelvin, Fari & all going up to my room to read my Archie Comics.

Didn't I tell you Leo's eyes was the giveaway that he's drunk?

See, CHARM! You missed the fun!!

And would you look at Cheryl's signature sleep after she's drunk?

Here's happy new year 2009. More happiness to come for everybody ;)

#2 how 2008 went for me

2009-01-03T22:10:00.002+08:00

Here's to all the good times in my 2008. To all the partying & the crazy stunts I've pulled this year. Here's the people who were involved in any way & if I do forget, pardon me because I'm having a huge headache & I have absolutely no voice.

In no order of importance - only who comes into my mind first. teeheeeheee.
#1 James, for coming @ the right moment and at the right time. To sweep me off my feet and "cleanse" me off my bad habits. He probably did the only job that nobody could have done - really take me off the usual drunken cigarettes & alcohol nights & the can't-remember-what-happened last night stunts.
#2 Melissa, for the late night suppers & the earlier days of partying like mad.
#3 Bong, for those silly overseas getaways. KL, Bangkok, JB & Bangkok again. And those nights when at 8pm we'll wait for each other to powder up our faces & end up at each other's home drunk.
#4 Hazel, you know - it's simply getting to know her really well through internship and building a friendship I'll never forget. Thank you for those drunk nights at KL, and your secret getaways from your kids to party with us & often you'll go home red like a lobster, drunk like there's no tomorrow.
#5 Candice, for.... whatever la candice!!! hahahahahahah! For being there, thank you. For the million teabreaks, smokebreaks, amk hub breaks we'll take from internship. And those silly drunk nights. & for your profanities-filled mouth!!
#5 Bella, for this friendship build upon silliness(from me, no less) & crazy intellect (From her). Thank you Bella although I still want to get her drunk!!
#6 Cheryl Tay, because you lost your shoes at Zouk & oh-so-often get so drunk high she cant even remember who got her home!
#7 Faridah Wu, because she's this nice girl that I've been trying to take advantage of her swimming pool in her condo that I never got around to! hhaahah!!
#8 Charmaine, for always being there - albeit our less than frequent meetups! That distance doesn't prove that our friendship will fall apart.
#9 Kelvin Chan, because I broke his virginity by bringing him to party @ Play (Was it this year or last?) and for those ever-ready advice just when I need it.
#10 Annie, for the partying days long gone now.
#11 Tze, because she's always been there, no less. Thank you. And to the 7s too.
#12 My secondary school friends (Rahila, Jiale, Farhana & the gang) because we really made up this year and we really went ahead to meet up even though there were some awkwardness at the start!
#13 My primary school friends - because even though they play the backdrop of my life, they have been the pillar of strength everytime I need them. & A special thanks to Shermien & Jasmine because I have failed to meet the rest this year :(
#14 Leo, ohmy! I almost forgot. For taking care of my best friend in times of trouble.
#15 Raven, for the silly overseas trip & taking care of my best friend as well.
#16 Izyan, because our friendship has been renewed because of our group projects together.
#17 Yvonne, for this friendship strengthening after being in the same class.
#18 Sha, for building this friendship from scratch together.
#19 Dorm, for the silly things like running to Cheers to get me some drinks and snacks during class projects!
#20 Nin, oh yes Nin!! For letting his wife get crazy drunk with me all the time!
#21 Nura, because she's always been there ... for some of the lil crazy clubbing sprees & for the birthday 2008.
#22 For those people who turned up for my birthday 2008, Perfection @ MOS.
#23 For those boys who broke my heart silly and for those boys who I broke their hearts silly this year.
#24 James & Guangrong, for the drunken nights & the mahjong rounds!
#25 Cheers Connect, because they've ALWAYS been there.

You know, I had so many people to thank last year but now I'm so lost for words. 2008 had been full of partying and broken hearts for me, then came me meeting Mr Jam in the middle of the year that led me to settling my life down. I hope 2009 will be a blast for both you & me.

3 entries to welcome the new year.

2009-01-01T19:00:00.003+08:00

#1 my resolutions for this year
#2 how 2008 went for me
#3 how I spent the last few seconds of 2008.

I've only got 2 this year. Last year, I made 3 resolutions.
1) to go to 2 different countries and not just M'sia.
2) to visit an orphanage
3) get my internship worked out well.

I can strike 1) and 3) off because I did well with them ;) I went to Thailand twice & M'sia many times. My internship was wonderful!!

For this year, I only have 2.
1 x Achieve $500,000 sales target along with Cheers Connect International PL.
2 x Earn more, spend more & save more!

next for my 2008!

DEAR SANTA,

2008-12-24T21:01:00.003+08:00

last year I wrote to you & this year I'm here to thank you.

for the great boyfriend I have & the great time we spent albeit all the fighting we've experienced.

because he's such a nice boy that he's working tonight although it's xmas eve. & the worst thing of it all is, he has to suck all my whining about tonight in.

but i love you jam, i really do! :) :)

p/s: this is the ...last christmas we're spending @ woodlands! yipppeeee.

Lonely christmas eve.

2008-12-24T19:09:00.002+08:00

My favorite time of the year is Christmas Day. It makes me happy because when the clock reads 12am, I can run to the christmas tree and remove all the wrapping paper to reveal the present my mom has gotten for me for the year. Since my mom is a strong believer in Christ, I've always loved this festive season.

Last year, on Christmas, I debated on how it has become so commercialized and that we have lost the true meaning of Christmas. I spent the night partying at Attica on eve of Christmas last year and got myself filthy drunk. I was really sad because I had nobody to hold last year.

This year, I have someone but yet he is working. And the rain is pouring and my heart is aching. I feel so lonely because I'm home on Christmas Eve. :(

In a relationship

2008-12-18T15:05:00.001+08:00

We do what we can, when we can.. while we can.

Dear hate taggers.

2008-12-16T00:07:00.002+08:00

Just because I recently have a high volume of hate taggers, I decided to dedicate this entry especially to them. (Just because they're probably religiously reading my blog every day, anyway.)

Dear hate taggers,
I wonder what is it with you and your myopic view of my blog? Why do you come back religiously every day or every week if you hate me so? If you don't like my ugly teeth or my ugly face, maybe you could try not to come into my blog to liten to what I have to say or watch me live my life.

Could it be that I party so much that you're jealous you're not having THAT much fun? Could it be the fact that I have an awesome and extremely good-looking boyfriend that you can't have? Could it be the small fact that I might have crossed paths with your current boyfriend that you're upset with me? Could it be I am friends with the good looking Angela (my affectionate name for her is Ahbong)? Could it be that I have extremely good friends who look out for me like Melissa? Or maybe I'm part of the team with Cheryl, Faridah, Charmaine? Or the absolutely smart-ass people who are reading my blog?

I don't know. It seems to me whatever your reasons of reading my blog everyday is possibly because you're jealous? Maybe not, afterall, who should deserve your envy, let alone me? It is rather simple. All you have to do.. instead of wasting your time every single day reading my blog (or in fact, checking up on my already dead blog) is to just not come here at all. It's even weird that you're still reading my previous blog (miss-carolyn) and commenting there when there is not a single viewer at all.

Why would a passer by care so much about my life unless we've crossed paths and you're already angered by me? You must know I have a track record of pissing people off. Hehe. Have a nice life!

Love sincerely,
Carolyn
xoxo

P/s: Do leave a name next time!

A shit week.

2008-12-09T22:10:00.002+08:00

How apt. The way Cheryl described this week for me - a shit week.

My mom doesn't want to talk to me because I didn't come home last night (and the last few nights). My boss's client says I'm not good enough. My (former) friends are giving me hell. My boyfriend and I are fighting over something both of us can't control.

I am going to pop some pills and fall right asleep. Maybe have some dose of Grey's before I go to bed.

I'm scared.

2008-12-05T22:31:00.003+08:00

Nobody will be able to comprehend how I feel. I find it queer myself that this would happen at this time of the night.

Everybody expects me to excel in it. They'd think I'll never be afraid simply because I've done it so many times. And yet the night before, I still have the fear in me. The fear of not succeeding, the fear of not being good enough, the fear of a less-than-cooperative audience.

I've done this emcee-ing gig all my life. I've done acting, speech recitals, poem recitals, dance, script reading, hosting, impromptu speeches, prepared speeches, teaching - everything to keep me in the limelight. This has been practically my life. I was never afraid of the limelight. However, on exactly the night before, I end up being this afraid. So afraid of the stage, the microphone, the lights and the people watching.

How have I mellowed down in so many ways that suddenly I'm afraid of audience reaction, impromptu speeches and performing on my beloved stage? So afraid that all I want to do is curl up on my bed and not wake up the next morning. So afraid that all I want to do or have is my boyfriend wrapping his arm around me the next morning telling me that there's nothing to worry about. That I can just close my eyes and sleep the day away.

This is performance pre-stage anxiety. Something that is so familiar to me, but this time around it is different. This is so strong I am killing myself inside.

Of friends and maturing over the ages

2008-12-03T09:10:00.001+08:00

I have never felt so adamant about writing a blog entry until this particular one. It kept me thinking for a long while and I had to go back and forth before putting my foot down and writing this.

I've been anguish about this since a long time ago but I've never actually expressed it in any way. When I was younger, a bit about after my secondary school years, I had friends who turned their backs on me because they thought I clubbed too much & they thought I was rude when I used the term of expression "bitches" on them. I used to think that using "WOMAN - do your work" or "Hey Bitches - when are we meeting up again?" is totally fine because it's a very westernized style of writing. People choose to use "dear" & "Darling" for their terms of endearment but I chose to use profanities. This came with many disapproving looks.

In fact, I lost 6 great friends because of this. It never occurred to me up until now that I was blamed for my maturity and my growing up faster than them phase. Although it seems that this could be denied almost immediately, but I knew exactly what had gone through their minds at that time. I was denied invitations to birthday parties and get-together session. I was actually depressed at that time. I had chosen to rid of my secondary school memories because I fell out with the 2 best friends, and then these 6 others.

But then I realize all these years, when I blame myself for the drift of all the friendships I had - I realized it's not my fault. I realized just because I grew up faster than all of them - they can't fault me for that. Now I see them in full clubbing attire and pictures for the world to see, I feel sad. When I realize that they've learnt that "bitch", if used in a nice way - is perfectly fine, it makes me upset. It makes me think about how if I did not get my heart broken (too early) more than them, and if I had remained the silly girl with cockroach feelers for a hairstyle & a full-studious attitude, would I keep their friendship still?

Then I feel sad again. I realized - how much is my friendship worth, then?

Of all these years, as I try to patch things up with all my really (close) good friends, am I trying too hard? Or are some friendships worth the letting-go phase?

When we mature over the ages, we'd realize clubbing is part of the growing up phase. Just because I got smashed more times they did when I drank last time, and because I've had my heart broken, virginity stolen, mind wiser, I was blamed for all of these. I ask the question - is it fair? Is it fair that even though I no longer drink as much as I do last time, that they not ask me out to party with them? Is it fair that I am not asked for any big gatherings - like my friend's pageant or some birthdays or some get-togethers, I should blame myself when I look at those photos?

I'm sure if I go back to speaking to them now, I'd have countless of "been-there-done-that" experiences to share with them. (As I've always had) But just think for a moment - could I be blaming myself too much because of the friendship lost? I ponder.

I can't take No for an answer.

2008-12-02T03:23:00.005+08:00

"No."
"What did you say?"
"No. I said No. I must learn to say No."
"No?"
"No."

Reality soon struck me. He said No. I grew up having everything I want and never taking No for an answer. The only person I'd probably take No for an answer is my father or my teacher in primary school. But he said no.

To be honest, I don't like him not being a nice guy anymore. I don't want to have my heart broken. I don't like the fact that my Jam is going to break my heart someday. I can't accept the fact that although we've been through so much together, I know he's going to break my heart someday.

And I know it is probably starting now. Or anytime soon.

Because the first time Mr Nice guy says No to a girl is the start of him being Mr. Jerk. And we all know girls like me fall head over heels for Mr. Jerk. And in time to come, I'd be the one begging him to stay and He'll be the one walking away.

I'm too scared to have my heart broken. 'Cos I know I can be really pathetic when I can't lose something precious. And I know he is just waiting for the day this happens to me.

My confrontation method? Avoid at all cost. And take flight. Run far away so I don't get my heart broken. Do I bear to do that?

What I'm going to miss the most.

2008-11-29T22:30:00.003+08:00

You know what I'm going to miss the most when I don't have you?

It's waking up in the middle of the night realizing that you're no longer hugging me but you're facing the other side. And this is when I turn around and slip one hand under your neck and the other around your body and leaning my head against the muscles on your back and falling back asleep again.

That's what I'll miss the most.

The other thing? Having you come home in the middle of the night and still assume the position you'll take as you slip your body next to mine and hug me to sleep.

Maybe I'm missing something.

2008-11-29T21:55:00.006+08:00

I sit at home on a Saturday night watching Greys Anatomy and Desperate Housewives when I could have been out partying. What happened to the good ol' days? What happened to all these pictures that we were obviously completely drunk and way out of our minds? You know I never ever thought I would grow out of Friday, Saturday and Ladies' Night partying.

Shit. You know what I think? These photos should never land in my daughter's hands because she would definitely use this against me in future.

I guess I just can't handle the truth. The truth that we all do grow up.

Before you decide to say breakup..

2008-11-29T20:14:00.001+08:00

I read this when I was a little girl. Now I'm re-posting it for everybody to read:

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and
said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again
I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know
what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She
didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, "why?"

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks
and shouted at me, "you are not a man!"

That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she
wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly
give her a satisfactory answer; I had lost my heart to a lovely girl
called Dew. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated
that she could own our house, 30% shares of my company and the car. She
glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten
years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her
wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had
said for I loved Dew so dearly.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to
see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce
which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer
now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something
at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell
asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew. When
I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care
so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want
anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She
requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible.. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's
time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage..

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to
recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She
requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our
bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy.
Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I
told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and
thought it was absurd. "No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face
the divorce", she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was
explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms.
His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the
sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my
arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; "don't tell our son about the
divorce." I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the
door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my
chest.. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I
hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was
not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was
graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered
what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy
returning... This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was
growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her
as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few
dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses
have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that
was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me; she
had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart.

Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the
moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his
father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life.
My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I
turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this
last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through
the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and
naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held
her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I
drove to office... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door.
I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind... I walked upstairs.
Dew opened the door and I said to her, "Sorry, Dew, I do not want the
divorce anymore."

She looked at me, astonished. Then touched my forehead. "Do you have a
fever?", She said. I moved her hand off my head. "Sorry, Dew", I said, "I won't
divorce". My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't
value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any
more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding
day I am supposed to hold her until death does us apart.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up.. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the
floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The
salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote:
'I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart'

The small details of our lives are what really matter in a relationship.
It is not the mansion, the car, the property, the bank balance that
matters. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot
give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you, but if you do, you
just might save a marriage.
Relationships are made not to exploit, not to be broken.

Love is.

2008-11-27T22:12:00.002+08:00

"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.” - Thomas Merton Quotes

I just realized I haven't blogged in the longest while - about everything, about me, about my relationship. And it saddens me how this blog has evolved from an escape of my awful past to what it has formed into now. I read my past conversations with Jam on Skype since the days we began to fall in love and wonder how far we've come.

Although it has only been five months, a month more to sixth, it seems it has been so long. too long. When was the last time I wished somebody happy fifth month together? How is it that as we age we fail to see how important the months together has become? We no longer bat an eyelid when somebody say "Oh, we've been together 5 months.." - now the question is whether we've been together for more than a year. And if someone comes by and tell us they've been together 5 years and more, we'd assume they're ready for marriage.

But the sad truth entails. A 5 years relationship might just end with a blink of an eye. Although I've been in too many relationships, I've never heard myself say Happy 3rd year or 4th year to anybody. And even though people have told me that the first 2 years are the most difficult and the 3rd is the most boring, and 5th is when you cheat.. I'm looking to the day where I'll finally lie on someone's arm and say "God, we've been together the last 3 years and we've never cheated on each other! Like god, it's freaking 3 years of our lives together!"

I guess we view things differently as we mature. But sometimes, take a breather. Look at those around you. Look at the one person who makes your day and look at him a little longer today. Think about how these 5 months has come and gone. Think about those times you've spent screaming at each other and those days you spent holding hands having no idea where to go.

Think about how 5 months could just easily be as important as a 5 years relationship. Think about it this way. Think about how these 5 months could just easily replace a 5 years relationship because the feelings are way too strong.

Take a moment and listen to him call you "dear" because it is amazing. How sweet it is as it rings in your ears. Take a breather and swallow his "darling" as he whisper it in your ear. We often look past these terms of endearment although it seems it used to send a chill down our spine. Listen to your boyfriend call you "dear" today and take it in as though you've never heard it before and watch your body trickle its' heat down.

and take a moment to breathe as you remember how he took a train from Choa Chu Kang to Pasir Ris to have a quick lunch with you even though you left your meal and his to himself while you go to an appointment for one hour. Think about how he waited for that hour to end up taking you back home to Woodlands and having dinner with your family. Think about how he took the long train down to work at Orchard for the next 7 hours. And think about how you could have said "I love you, and Thank you for sending me to and fro today. I appreciate you."

Because I do, baby. Thank you. You are truly the kind of boyfriend I've always imagined myself to have. You are truly the kind of boyfriend we girls sit around and wished we had. And although sometimes they are just right under our nose, we take for granted the littlest things they do for us.

You are special and I love you.

Hiatus.

2008-11-23T09:45:00.001+08:00

I might have been on the longest hiatus but sometimes, there's really nothing much to say. I guess a blog does this to you huh? It's a phase thing - one time you'll have so much to blog about and once you get bored of it, you'll stop for a long time. Then you'll start up again.

I'm just at a loss for words as to what to write. I'll update maybe later. xoxo

McDreamy vs Bailey

2008-11-12T18:27:00.003+08:00

Bailey: "Turn around and walk away. You can't do this. You don't have the right (to see her)."
McDreamy: "I just want to see if she's okay.."
Bailey "She's not. She's a human traffic accident and everybody's slowing down just to look at the wreckage. She's doing the best of what she has left."

How apt. The way grey's anatomy describes the everyday broken heart.

Abhor.

2008-11-07T21:19:00.001+08:00

I hate being sick.

Enough said.

about love and the shitaz that comes with it.

2008-11-04T22:15:00.002+08:00

An ol' friend of mine thanked me for allowing him to see so much about relationships. He thanked me for the little silly reasons he'd never seen for himself previously.

It's like this for everybody. We never seem to realize our folly until it is too late. When we finally learn the truth, it's only a matter of time before an opportunity slips away. We'll always be looking forward to our future - hoping that one day some knight in shining armor or a sexy girl clad in bikini (yes - guys are THAT shallow) would sweep us off our feet.

We'll leave our current state (current partner - that is) to be with this new-found excitement only to realize that sparks do die off after awhile.

That is when regret starts filling us in. We find flaws in our new-found love.. but sadly, we can never get our previous partner back. So - think twice before you complain about your current partner. Think thrice before you run off with the next sexy fishnet tights girl! Haven't all of us been in this situation before?

and there are times when..

2008-11-02T13:13:00.002+08:00

i feel so light-headed. all i want to do is grab my book, my wallet & leave my house to sit at some starbucks and read the whole day away.

but then i realize the whole point of being in a relationship. it's the constant need to tell somebody - better yet, let somebody know where i'm going and what i'm doing. i can't just take off without giving a reason. that's the whole deal of the relationship. and why we go into it, i will never understand.

but what i do know of this relationship that i have right now - it's that i'm so happy that thoughts in my head are constantly of him, with him, to do about him.

he makes me happy when we take long bus rides (which i abhor) and he makes me feel that he's someone i can depend on for a really long time. and for the record, i have a major craving for donuts and just to prove to myself that he really cares for me, i almost wanted to wake him up this morning and tell him to buy me donuts.

and then i realize - he would do it. and i would be disturbing his sleep. and i would be such a bitch to do that. so i threw that thought aside, waited for him to get up this morning and wait for him to come take me to the movies & feast on my donut.

& thats why i love you so.

'cos it's one of those days.

2008-10-28T00:15:00.002+08:00

...where I have nothing to do & I have to entertain my sister.

Name : Lyn

Shoe size : 6 or 7.

Height : 163cm.

Where do you live : hmm, singapore.

Favourite drinks : martell with green tea. ahahah.

Favourite breakfast : crinkly sausage with club sandwich. mmmmm i like it.

Have you ever been on a plane : yes, i was just on one last week?

Swam in the ocean : hahaha.. too many times.

Fallen asleep in the school : all the time.

Broken someone's heart : you think? *rolls eye*

Fell off your chair : i'm not dorky.

Waited for someone to call : only if it's necessary.

Saved e-mails : for proof of evidence, yes. hahahaha.

What is your room like : messy, really messy. and i cant wait to move in to my own.

What's right beside you now : my little sister staring at my every answer. teehehehe.

What is the last thing you ate : curry puff from old chang kee. i didnt eat anything for dinner :(

Ever had chicken pox? : yes, when i was 5.

Sore throat : yes and for the record, i hate it.

Broken nose : no, i'm not plastic.

Believe in love at first sight : it happens, probably physical attraction.

Love picnics : only with the right company.

Who was the last person you danced with : jam? i think so. at bangkok.

Last made you smile : my sister typing englosh breakfast instead of english breakfast.

You last yelled at : my little sister for trying to dismantle the phone.

Today did you :

Talk to someone you like : i'm talking to him now.

Kissed anyone? : i didnt allow him to kiss me until we parted goodbye.

Fall sick : no, if i did, i wouldnt be wasting time here.

Talk to an ex : nope.

Miss someone : only the boyfriend who didn't reply my messages.

Eat : can we move to the next question already?

Best feeling in the world : the thought of buying a new phone.

Do you sleep with stuffed animals? : hahah my boyfriend is a hard toy.

What's under your bed? : boxes.

Who do you really hate? : they always say, keep your friends close but your enemies closer.

What time is it now? : 12.25am and i dont know what i'm doing online, shit.

Is there a person in your mind now? : no, my mind is blank.

Do you have any siblings : 2 brothers 1 sister.

Do you want children : of course, i love kids. ;)

Do you smile often : no, i have a really fake smile.

Do you like your handwriting : to begin with, i have a lot of handwritings. so which are you asking?

Are your toe-nails painted : NO. MY TOENAILS ARE PAINTED. I AM DAMN SAD :( :( :( :( :(

Whose bed other than yours would you sleep in : jam's? duh!

What colour shirt are you wearing now : white. baby milo on it.

What were you doing at 7.00pm : teaching tuition for two whole hours - MATHS for the love of god.

When did you cry last : few weeks ago when i was sad to leave a place.

Are you friendly : no, i bite.

Do you have any pets : i have a lot of soft toys, do they count?

Where is the person you have feelings for right now : sadly, in his own room staring at me over webcam.

Did you hold hands with the person who mean anything to you now : ya -.-"

Do you sleep with TV on : no.

What are you doing right now : talking to jam, my sister and doing this quiz.

Have you ever crawled through a window? : yes, my friend's window to sneak in. teeheehee.

Can you handle the truth : the truth about the truth is - it hurts. and so we lie, so no, i cannot handle the truth.

Are you closer to your mother or father : mom.

Who was the last person you cried in front of : jam.

How many people can you say you've really loved : i have no idea.

Do you eat healthy : i don't like chocolates, brownies and cakes. although i do like my potato chips and sweets.

Have you ever cried because of something someone said to you : yes, i'm quite old you know.

If you're having a bad day, where you most likely to go to : my bed. or my boyfriend's arms.

Are you confident : yes.

5 things I was doing 10 years ago ( 9 years old ) :
1. had a birthday party to celebrate the last 'ones' (nine - going to ten)
2. i was in the best class.
3. i said my first vulgar word "fuck"
4. i was using IRC like mad.
5. i was meeting online guys! hahahaha.

5 things on my to-do list today :
1. get my desktop publishing tools.
2. get my new phone.
3. get my new m1 line.
4. go to tuition.
5. pray for an interview.

5 snacks that I enjoy :
1. curry puff.
2. seaweed.
3. ikan bilis.
4. lime mint mentos.
5. jellybeans

5 things I would do if I were a billionaire :
1. Buy an English home for my mom.
2. invest in property and shares.
3. clear my family's debt & take my family overseas.
4. take jam's family overseas.
5. roll & sleep in money.

(( B A S i C S ))
Nickname: cpl han's little white girl ;) lyn.
Single or Taken: i'm single as long as i say i'm single. (ok, i'm attached. the boyfriend reads this blog.)
Zodiac Sign: dragon/capricorn.
Male or Female: Female
Elementary School: rosyth school.
Junior High School: unity secondary
High School: temasek polytechnic
Eye Color: O_O. black brown
Hair Color: i dyed it black because it was too gold but now the colours are coming back.
Long or Short: O_O. long
Favorite Color: green.
Favorite TV Show: criminal minds. prison break. gossip girl. heroes. desperate housewives. without a trace. greys anatomy. SOUTH PARK!
Tan or Pale: yay! i'm turning fair. ;)
Are You A Health Freak: nahed really.
Height: 163cm
Have A Crush On Someone: i'm over that stage. i'm in love!
Do You Like Yourself: i worship carolyn -myself.
Piercings: only on my ears cos the others are too childish.
Tattoos: not if you can see it. hahahah!
Righty or Lefty: righty.
(( F i R S T S ))
Surgery: on my head. no serious i'm not kidding. i had stitches on my head.
Piercing: Earrrrrs.
Best Friends: wan fen? ethelyn?
Award: definitely to do with English in school.
Sport You Joined: badminton.
Pet : tortoise. it jumped off my 8th floor.
Vacation: shit i cant remember. i think it's hong kong.
Broken Bone: never had one.
Crush: mark tan - kindergarten crush ..i'm looking for him!! hahahahaha.
(( C U R R E N T L Y ))
Eating: nothing.
Drinking: water. LOL.
Thinkning About: how jam didn't buy the curry puff from the mama shop for me.
About To..: SLEEP.
Listening To: my sister say "AHHH" after drinking water.
Crushing On: err. louis koo. i just watched his movie.
Waiting For: this to end so i can sleep.
Wearing: white shirt and white shorts and no bra.
Mad At: jam for not buying my curry puff. i'm super hungry. i only ate the old chang kee's curry puff. i want the mama shop curry pok.
(( L A S T S ))
Book You Read: nora roberts - stanislaki stories. i'm still on it now.
Movie You Watched: high school musical 3. ok, now i'm a loser.
Roadtrip: KL few months ago ;)
Person You Talked To: little sister.
Person You Were Mad At: jam the whole of the last 2 days
Person You IMed: cheryl tay.
Person You Hugged: my boyfriend.
Person You Kissed: my sister just kissed me.....on purpose.
Person You Yelled At: my sister
Game You Watched: i have no idea.. basketball in high school musical?
(( T H E O P P O S i T E S E X ))
Country Boy or Pretty Boy: pretty boy ;)
Lips or Eyes: eyes!
Hugs or Kisses: hugs x.x
Shorter or Taller: my boyfriend is 183cm, YOU THINK? i <3 tall guys.
Romantic or Spontaneous: romantic in occasions, spontaneous to spice up the relationship daily.
Nice Stomach or Nice Arms: i want my boyfriend to have a round stomach. those beer belly. damn cute.
Brown Hair or Blonde Hair: i'm going to stick to - as long as he doesnt look like a kid. or he doesnt look like an ahbeng/mat.
Long Hair or Short Hair: neat and short please. no long hair. it pisses me off.
Sensitive or Loud: i like a bit of both. at different places ;)
Hook-Up or Relationship: a bit of both.
Trouble-Maker or Hesitant: i hate hesitant men. they piss me off. guys should take the charge.
(( H A V E Y O U E V E R ))
Kissed a Stranger: yes, most of the time it's the whisky doing the job.
Drank Bubbles: accidentally when i was a kid.
Lost Your Glasses/Contacts: i have perfect eyesight, thank you very much.
Sang In Public: yes. in my theatre acts?
Danced In Public: in the clubs - is that counted?
Wanted to Die: haven't we all had that instance?
Snuck Out: in the middle of the night, last time.
Been Grounded: by my mom.
Been In a Fight: when i was young and wild and i dont give a shit about the world.
Told Someone You Loved Them: i only say "i love you" when i mean it. ask jam. he never gets to hear it. HAHAHHAHA. only once in awhile, ok.
Been Out of State: i just came back from bangkok.
Done Drugs: my sister is not supposed to be reading this!! hahaha. for me to know and you to find out, then.
Wanted to Hurt Someone: yup.
Lied To Your Family: couple of times, i'm not proud of that tho.
Made Pizza: yes i have!
Had a Birthday Party: every year when i was a kid. for my first ten years!
Laughed Until You Peed On Yourself: on myself no - but laughed till i peed, yes.
Believe In Love: i do. i believe in love, thoroughly.
Been Skinny Dipping: yes! i love it!
Been To Europe: London & Paris, yes.
Ran Away From Home: nope.
Broken Any Bones: no..
Broken Someone's Heart: many times because i was foolish.
Been Arrested: nope, i'm not stupid. cover your tracks after you do something wrong!
Turned Someone Down: i rejected many people in my life.
Cried When Someone Died: technically, i haven't experienced death to people who are close to me - but i don't want that either.
Like A Friend: isn't that how relationships start.. x.x
(( D O Y O U B E L i E V E i N ))
Yourself: yup.
Miracles: i do but it doesn't always happen to me.
Love At First Sight: physical yes, but emotional - nope.
Heaven: i believe in afterlife - heaven i'm not so sure.
Santa Clause: ever since i was a child.
Sex On the First Date: like i said, my sister is not supposed to be reading this. x.x
you would know if you're a friend.
Kissing On the First Date: teehehe, ;)
Angels: yes. we have guardian angels looking after us and crossing our time of deaths when it's not our turn to die.
(( A N S W E R T R U T H F U L L Y ))
Is There Someone You Want to Be With Right Now: i want to be in jam's room now.
Are You Happy With Your Life: pretty much.
Ever Had More Than One Boyfriend/Girlfriend At A Time: i'm a player.

That's the end?
You know if you read all the way, and you're not Jam - you deserve a round of applause. i normally skip people's quiz.

AHAHAH.

Perhaps

2008-10-27T13:29:00.003+08:00

For every bad thing you've done in life, there will always be a thing or two of the past that will wring you up and throw you off-guard. The thing about being able to stand strong after the rain really helps. It's facing the music and accepting the punishment that's the worse part of it.

Afterall, you do realize that every cloud has a silver lining.

Chapter 53: This is scary. (Bangkok 3rd Night)

2008-10-25T23:23:00.008+08:00

I think Jam has changed me..

If Rihanna is the good girl gone bad, I'm the new bad girl gone good.

From a life filled with alcohol and parties, I've mellowed down over the years. The new me is actually afraid of drinking - how scary is that? It is time for me to tell those people that are still partying their lives away - "Don't you ever grow up?"

This was how the party began.
Us in the hotel room.

We made it into RCA (Route 66)!! Take that Melissa & Raven. HAHAHAH! :P

Bong was about to throw up after the first two drinks.

Jam dancing to a Thai song. -.-"

Well, I didn't think Bong was drunk until I saw this lobster photo of hers.

Johnnie Walker, our favourite drink at Bangkok. 1Litre

Surprisingly, they look sober here.

You know - my boyfriend can drink better than me now *i think*

Having the time of our lives.

I look funny here.

Hello, want to let your teacher buy you a drink?

This is me with my really famous pose of dragging (TAH-ing) the bloody glass of whiskey.

I don't know why Bong took a few photos of her with her tongue sticking out...

I guess she was aiming for my breasts! HEHEHE.

Good lord guys, do you really think you can take a proper photo now that you both are drunk?

Look at Bong's face! She looks like a little girl who hasn't been given her lollipop!

DRINK, LEO DRINK THE BUGGGER.

This is me describing to Bong my undying love for her - but it became a kiss. I don't know why this happened. Hell, I don't even remember this happening.

I don't know what made us raise our hands up in the air but I'm guessing it's either a song or the Black label doing it.

I am dancing with Thailand girls!

This was our attempt of taking a 4 person shot while we were all drunk - Nahed a chance of it to be straight or nice for any of us.

This is Jam and his TIKO face as he gets to hold 2 new thailand girls.

It is pretty obvious Bong was high on something we've never seen before. AHAHA.

Oooh. I LIKE TO SCANDAL.

This is me telling the taxi driver "Uncle, Woodlands Street 41." I'm serious!!

This is Bong & I lying not on our hotel room floor - but the hotel room CORRIDOR. hahahaa.

This is Ahbong laughing at me - I don't even know how I managed to change into my sleeping attire. Was Leo & Bong even in the room while I was changing?!?

.
.
.
.

Forgive me, I was drunk.

Chapter 52: Of the night

2008-10-25T22:46:00.002+08:00

Last time when we were younger, we were all afraid of the dark. Stories our mothers tell us use to linger in our head as we walk home alone at night.

When I grew older and I experienced heartaches from the many different relationships I had, I used to be afraid of the night. I was afraid when it hit 6pm - especially if I had to go home alone and I did not have any friends to meet me at night. I was afraid the moment I reached home, I would mope around and cry all night. I was afraid of sleeping because I knew the moment I crashed on my bed, the tears would flow automatically and I would had to burden someone by calling them and making them talk to me until I fall asleep.

Tonight, as I walked out the train station of Marsiling MRT, this sudden nostalgic feeling hit me. My earphones were plugged in & I was listening to music. I walked to the bakery shop and got myself a cheesy hotdog bug. This is something I used to do when I was single - times when I skipped dinner and arrived home late. This feeling was all too familiar.

How ironic it is - now that I'm attached, I don't feel this voidness in my heart as I walk home. Although he's not physically next to me, I can feel him embracing me as I take a slow stroll home. Walking 3 bus stops to the MRT station alone was such a chore to me last time was made easier today. I walked from my tutee's house to Sembawang train station and I felt the walk was refreshing. It had me thinking of a lot of things.

But the one thing I'm sure of - it's that I'm really happy in this relationship. How could a 4 months of relationship compared to one who's been through it all? How could I have found someone I was willing to share a part of my life with, after all I've been through? It seems those times as I sat on my bed and cried myself to sleep is all in vain when I know in this slow journey of life, I am going to meet someone better and he was going to make me this happy. If I knew all this, I wouldn't be crying at all when I lost the previous one! If Mel knew she'd be finding such a boy, she'd rather not spend those days crying till her eyes are red. Well, if we knew our life was going to turn out this way, we'd prolly need not to live.

The other thing I'm worried about is - how I am not even bothered that tonight is Saturday. The scary thing about is not that I'm not partying. It's the fact that I'm not even thinking of partying. After the Bangkok drunkedness - it had taught me that there are people around that care for me and getting drunk like that is not the best feeling in the world. I'm actually scared of drinking.

Yup, the Carolyn is scared of drinking. How scary is that?

An entry overdue.

2008-10-25T16:31:00.015+08:00

Woot, here's photos of Bangkok. (: This is only Day 1, 2 and Day 3. Next entry we'll stick to Club night of Day 3, Day 4 and Day 5. I told you there were a lot of photos.

& you'd realize most of these photos are from bottom to top.

Bong & her twist.

Too many photos I took that was blur so Bong is angry.

We are too cool for you.

Bong wanted to be part of our photo again.

In a bid to cover her from our picture, leo succeeded in putting his face in our photo. HAHAH.

Bong & her coconut - again.

Notice what Jam is holding - a durex sign. Not that he uses it!

On our way to Khao San Road - sadly, we didn't club the night before.

Yes, I closed my eyes again.

I like this photo ;)

This is Day 3 in the hotel - look at the amount of food in our room!

Jam will fine me if I close my eyes.

So I did this. HAHAHAHA

Look at the words behind - Hard rock cafe bangkok!

Don't look at the subject. Look at the twist on Bong's fingers. That's how high she can manage - next to jam. Hahahah.

Bong doesn't like Jam & I taking photos without her - so she had to make a stupid face.

Leo at the Hong Kong dim sum restaurant.

Bongbong and I at the Marc Jacobs shop.

I'm really good at topography. ;)

Muacks my little boy.

I think the person was irritated with us 'cos we tried all these sunglass but we didn't buy anything. Hahaha.

They are too cool for you.

And I was telling them I want to party like a superstar.

My god, this is HOT. Better nahed flatter him too much before his head gets too big.

We were talking right outside our Hong Kong meal. HAHA.

This is at MBK (the famous Bangkok Shopping Center) which is NAHED so nice.

Isn't he HOT in this photo? I'd print this 8R when I have time and paste it on my wall so I can kiss it before I sleep. I love when he looks all irritated and angry.

Leo is still very happy.

And I am too cool with the sunglass. AHAHA. which apparently broke, btw.

Roadside stalls make leo happy. We were at Ratchapraphrao. Walking to Siam.

Jam is BBQ-ing his food. This is our meal every day. 3 meals a day. HAHAH.

Bong is happy.

Jam is stealing PAU from the roadside stall.

This looks like Singapore.

We are sunshine girls ;)

YA I know, I look like a maid. That's the whole purpose of this photo.

My thailand boy & Bong's thailand boy.

BONG AND ME.

OKAY this photo nice. They both look like they're some poor servants/maids of the house.

Thailand Girl ;)

Jam thinks this is how we're going to look like when we have our first kid. HAHAHA.

MY thailand boy. (start of massage)

Four of us squeezing on a tuk tuk. 25 BAHT. but we got fooled into spending half our day in a Gems' gallery shop.

Jam is the driver for the day.

Here's our individual shots. (:

Leo & his what-the-fuck don't take photo of me when I just wake up face.

Jam insist I put this photo because he thinks his arm is really big. HAHAHAHA.

This is the start of Day 2.

This is photos of the club night. Sadly, we spent $200 on a meal at a fine dining restaurant but SOMEBODY forgot to bring our camera out so we didn't get to see
- our really expensive shark's fin (screw all those people who told us to get shark's fin at bangkok)
- our hopeless attempt at looking for good clubs at patpong because the first one we went to was about to start their liveband.. although they were playing good songs like Pussycat Dolls - When I grow up & Kat Deluna - Run the show
- Our last try at going to Ratchada Hollywood & spending our 1,200 baht at a 75ml Johnnie Walker Black label that sent Ahbong drunk like nobody's business & me still surviving and trying to take out my make up at night.

In the aeroplane - I am DAMN happy.

*hokkien* WA SI HIA TI! WA SI HO PENG YOU! (look at their faces)

At the airport, awaiting boarding.

Bon Voyage!

That's all folks!

Bangkok Day One

2008-10-20T00:12:00.001+08:00

Hey - I'm back. Filled with photos too!

...coming tomorrow.

My words were cold and flat..

2008-10-15T00:15:00.003+08:00

and you deserve more than that.

I've been mean - I've learnt that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I'm sorry Jam. I miss you and I don't want to fight anymore.

It's not like we're fighting anymore but it's just remembering what happened as I lay on my bed that's giving me a guilt trip. Let's just hope we don't fight at Bangkok. Let's hope this trip will take our relationship to another level. Perhaps this is the make and break of the relationship.

in anticipation

2008-10-14T22:53:00.002+08:00

I am headed up to Bangkok tomorrow. That amounts to twice this year. This time we're going up for 5 days but with different company. This time around it'll be Bong, Leo, Jam and I.

Let's see - will update in 5 days time as to how fun it's going to be.

:( Bong and I are rushing our report tonight.

Food for thought.

2008-10-14T16:53:00.000+08:00

I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with what they have.

Thank you mom, dad, jam.

Spaceshot

2008-10-14T16:37:00.002+08:00

I don't ever take rollercoaster or thrill rides anymore because I'm afraid of one particular incident at Genting, Malaysia. I took the spaceshot ride by myself. It was the thrill ride that sent you right up to the skies (where you can't see a thing but clouds) and send you right back down in a split second. The feeling of taking it myself because an ex boyfriend of mine refused to put his life on the thrill ride is really scary.

In fact, it threw me off my senses. I never dared take lifts again - especially those cargo lifts. I never dared walk up the overhead bridge without a fear of falling deep down.

The actual fact is I sat there alone. I sat there without anyone by my left or right. I was sending myself right up to hell alone. Thankfully, it wasn't my time to die. My angels might have saved me one way or other but the angels taught me never to do this again anymore.

Every time I sit alone in this dimension, I feel myself flying high up and plunging down. I can feel the fear inside me slowly building up. It just won't go away.

It's 2am.

2008-10-13T01:51:00.002+08:00

It's 2am and I'm not sleeping. If it was any other day where I had to get up at 7am, I would be complaining by now and forcing myself to sleep.

BUT! IT'S 2AM + I'M NOT SLEEPING + I'M NOT COMPLAINING. Because for once, I can sleep in till whatever time I plea tomorrow. I have finally finished the 6 months of internship and I am pretty much free. FREE!

I know this entry is long overdue but I was woken up by Jam on Saturday morning to go and swim and play badminton. So my Saturday was burnt - and then this morning I woke up lazily in his arms at 11am. We got up then I fell back asleep at 1pm - only to be waken up by him to go and have breakfast (note: breakfast not lunch). I ate and fell right asleep at 5pm.

I am such a lazy pig but I LIKE IT. This is way overdue but I LIKE IT! I don't know when was the last time I was up at this hour on a weekday - SWEET.

First kiss.

2008-10-07T11:54:00.001+08:00

I value kisses a lot. Besides the sexual arousal that comes with kisses, there is a certain bonding between two people. The first kiss shared between two new individuals (be it a couple, or a shared kiss over the dancefloor at the back of the club) is probably the only thing that decides whether the relationship is going to be long-term or whether you'll never see him again.

A long time ago, Hazel said she equated a good dancer to someone who'd perform well on bed. I think for me - what makes me determine a better performer on the bed is the way he kisses. You can't just suck faces with someone who has bad breath and still imagine being with him for a long time, right?

I don't know if Jam remembers this but the first kiss we shared was at Double O even before we were officially together. I don't know what happened but I guess he was too drunk and I was tipsy and we were sucking faces on the seats in front of everybody. I don't think I'll ever forget that because I think I haven't kissed in a club with someone who actually bothers to kiss lightly and still stick his tongue into my mouth. His kiss was passionate and perhaps it was the alcohol, but there was a tinge of lust in his mouth. It definitely blew me away. I like it when the guy takes control of the kiss as I close my mouth and let him explore my lips. And that is exactly what Jam did.

Like I said, the first kiss is important. It determines whether I'm going to have good kisses in future. Particularly the reason why I like to stick my face in front of Jam so he'd give me a peck on my lip.

Of course, after my friends saw what happened, they all ousted us to take a photo. That I refused to - I only allowed him to give me a light peck on my cheek. To which, Nin & Clemence boo-ed me while I shouted "Hey, I am shy, OK!"

Be yourself

2008-10-03T20:18:00.004+08:00

I read this from the new paper and I thought it was something really meaningful,
"Sometimes, you may be too eager to get the other person to accept you that you end up doing things just to please him or her. If you're forcing yourself to do something that's not you, then there's no point because you're projecting a false image to the other person."

I think this is really true. Many a times, we fall prey to being someone we're not especially when we're trying to impress someone. We try our best to please them and do everything (including accepting the hurt and the flaws of the other party) to keep the relationship strong. The truth is - if someone really loves you for who you are, they'd accept you in any shape/size/color/character.

Not in a relationship context - if that person is your true friend, they'd love you no matter who you are and how you've become. The most important thing in every and any relationship/friendship is to be yourself above all.

In that way, you find your true friends and the genuine friends that would stay by you. In this way, you'll know if you're being loved for who you are and not because of who you've become.

WHERE MY PARTY PEOPLE AT?

2008-10-02T18:08:00.002+08:00

You know every club has a certain smell? The kind of smokes(from the smoke machine), alcohol and cigarettes? Believe it or not - I walked past somebody just now and I smelt something. The smell of Cheeky Monkeys and all those old clubs I used to go where the R&B was not just "With you with you with you.." or "My heart is damaged.." It was "lean back, lean back!" or "Clap back - we gon Clap back!" or "It's gettin' Hot in herrre" and "To the window - to the wall, sweat drop down my ballz... all these bitches crawl" and they had hand actions to songs like "I'm tempted to touch - tempted to touch..hey little woman and I need you so much"

But now, the music has evolved. To music like "Make love in the clubbb," or "Show show stoppin'.." I don't even know how people can actually dance to such songs. The older songs like "Grind with me .." or "Baby gonna' give it to me, I give it to you. I know what you want." These are the songs you can actually grind/sexy dance/dance to. These are the songs that can actually allow you the pleasure of wanting to have sex/make love in the club, no doubt. These are the songs that make you want to do it right on the spot.

If you're looking to jump to songs, we have songs like "Ooh-ta-la-GASOLINA-" or "YO-YO-YO... I'll give it to you girl, my lover give it to you girl~~~" not "Noticing me - noticing you. That girl is so dangerous~"

It's just not the same anymore. Clubs & Music(s) evolved. The people change, the crowd grows younger and the music is just not easy to keep up to anymore. Where are the times where I used to dance to reggaeton music & really bloody good R&B music. With a tequila shot in my hand and girls in skimpy outfit dance on top of the bars - where are all these? Boys push us girls up to the platform or the bartops to dance? I can't find any club that can give me good enough music, excellent crowd, a smoke in hand and a tequila shot in the other.

God, I miss clubbing - so much. I've grown old and the times have changed.

Next plane home.

2008-10-01T22:41:00.002+08:00

For you only:

Thank you. For the last 4 months, for pulling through every time I want to give up on you - on us. I haven't been a good girlfriend - hell, I've been one of the worst. I've been spoilt and nasty, & even I am disgusted to look at myself in the mirror. Even though it's short of 4 months, it feels as though we've been together a long time now. There are many occasions to look back on, and many of them were happy memories.

In case you think this is not true, I think you're a really good boyfriend. You're the kind of boyfriend that I imagine seeing your eyes when I look at my little one in future. You're the kind of boyfriend who'd hold me regardless and protect me with whatever you can.

I'll never regret asking for the song 'Nan Ren Nu Ren' from you - because that's how we started, no? I never expected us to walk this long route this far - but since we have, we'd make the best of it.

Promise me you'll stay no matter how annoying I can get. 'Cos I'll miss having you put your legs on me in the middle of the night or how you have this excessive large amount of appetite so much so that you need to eat at 130am in the morning. Or your really annoying craving of alcohol every single night.

Let's just say,

The road that never ends around the bend I see your smile whoah whoah
I’d swim across the sea to be with you for a while whoah whoah
cos I’m made a life would be gone
now the way that I feel I just don’t belong

And I’m so lonely you’re not here with me
thats why I’m gonna be on the next plane home
And you’re you’re the only face I wanna see
thats why I’m gonna be on the next plane home.

一等再等
你就是我等的那个人
男人男人
女人女人
多么希望你是对的人

You asked me, "in what ways am I a good boyfriend?" - my reply to that is: Your genuinity. Your smile. Your ever forgiving self. The one who'd hold me in the middle of the night even though we're sleeping on the same bed but on different sides because I'm angry with you. Your ability to look me in the eye with that look of affirmation. The one that says you love me now and you've loved me then. The one that promises I'm your princess no matter what happens.

Over the rainbow

2008-10-01T22:08:00.002+08:00

Over the Rainbow - Israel Kamakawiwo Ole

I took this off Tze, my beloved friend's blog because this song makes me feel like SIGHHHH-(ing). It makes me want to fall in love over and over and over again.

I'm not a fan of these little soft rock bands but this song makes me want to lie down on a beach and have someone strum his guitar and sing this song to me over and over again. It makes me feel like I want to throw my shoe to the other side of the beach and sink my feet deep into the sandy beach close to the waters.

It makes me feel like riding a bicycle and laughing really loudly with him. It makes me feel like riding really fast and have him chase me behind while the wind is blowing in my face. It makes me feel as though no matter the amount of money you have in the world, you can never buy this feeling.

The feeling of falling in love, over and over again.

It makes me feel like being in a countryside and sitting in a taxi and watching the world past me by.

Age

2008-09-28T20:26:00.001+08:00

I read an old friend's blog today.

As we grow older, I start to realize we rely on our partners' more than anybody else. On a long lonely day, we'd rather catch certain movies with our partner rather than our friend.

In this way, I'm thinking.. I miss my friends.
especially Cheers Connect - the ones that groomed me to who I am today.

Favourite song

2008-09-27T22:39:00.003+08:00

I sms-ed Jam when I left his place to go home this afternoon.
Me: I can't believe I'm super comfortable with you in a span of 3 months. It's as though we were always meant to be together.
Jam: That's 'cos I'm a good boyfriend.
Me: Yea, whatever.

Hahaha, in the most nonchalant way.

We entwined in each other's arms and there was this rhythmic movement of our bodies as he enveloped me with kisses on the bed. And oh-so-suddenly, a song plays on 98.7fm and like hearts interconnected, we say at the same time,
Me: Eh, your favourite song
while
Jam said: Eh, my favourite song.

at almost exactly the same time. It was a moment not to be missed because it was as though our frequencies touched each other and we knew exactly what the other party is thinking.

Right after the little kisses, I was tired and I turned my head around and fell asleep in this fetal position. He was shocked at how quickly I fell asleep and even though I promised to go cycling with him - all he did was lift my head up and put a pillow underneath and fell asleep right next to me. Although I'd pretended to close my eyes through it all, I can feel his warmth around me as he carefully placed a pillow and hugged me from behind.

Is this how love is? If so, I would like to sign up for more.

Remember me this way

2008-09-27T22:06:00.004+08:00

I didn't go to the airport tonight although I wished her well this afternoon.

I can't believe we looked this hilarious/hideous in Secondary 1.

And then we started looking super AHLIAN in Sec 3 or 4?

And this is the photo we swore never to show anyone - yet Farhana placed it on her blog after what, 4 years? HAHHAHAHHA! OUR FACES ARE DAMN FUNNY.

Now we've all grown up.

Those were the days, my friend. We thought they'd never end.

Time to say goodbye (photo entry)

2008-09-27T02:12:00.004+08:00

The thing about Goodbyes - they're never easy. We might not like to face that fact but it's true - it hurts and it hurts real bad. When someone goes away for a long time, we can't accept it because we feel empty inside.

If you think about it tihs way: Truth be told, we all move on. One way or other.

When a friend leaves for some reason, we cry at that situation; at the fact that they're sadly departing. But if we think about it deeper, don't you think it's weird when we already said our goodbyes a long time ago when we took our separate paths? What makes us then, if we are only sad when you realize that he/she is going away for a long time?

Isn't that ironical? We've said goodbye once, taken separate paths but now our paths cross again. And it's time to go, we're sad once again.

I don't do well with emotions but I met my secondary school friends just now - the ones that mattered to me when I was a kid. The ones that stuck by me through it all; thick and thin - through skipping school and taking long bus rides; through running our deadliest 2.4km and staying back in the canteen kicking chairs and rushing to beat the assembly bell.

I'm sorry if I haven't been a good friend, but I missed you guys. I really do. It was so long ago but it felt like it was just yesterday.

Take care Jiale, be good. Keep in touch.

In the classroom. Our old days.

iLa and I in our favourite hangout, starbucks.

Do you remember this pau-pei photo?

My sevens, do you remember?

Neoprints that I must have long forgotten.

I think this is our first photo, xin ying.

Thhis got on to Teenage Magazine!

God, we were super lian!

You were always in my thoughts, both you and Rahila. What's another 3 years if we have forever? We need to meet more.

"I pray you'll be our eyes, and watch us where we go
And help us to be wise in times when we don't know
Let this be our prayer, when we lose our way
Lead us to the place, guide us with your grace
To a place where we'll be safe
I pray we'll find your light, and hold it in our hearts
When stars go out each night,
remind us where you are"
Celine Dion & Andrea Bocelli - The Prayer

From an old entry from my blog "Jiale kissed my forehead just now and she told me not to cry. It was a sweet moment."
I pray you'll be alright.

I'm such a baby

2008-09-22T18:15:00.004+08:00

On the contrary to popular belief (and I really mean, popular belief), I am really the baby in the relationship.

I am whiny and annoying, and I am the one that go "Jam, my ulcer very pain" & the puppy eyes are set on. I am the one that wake him in the middle of the night at 545am and say, "my nose is blocked" & he would get up to take warm water for me, put medicated oil on my upper lip and massage me back to sleep.

This suddenly dawned on me when I woke him up when I wasn't feeling too well this morning. I'm the one that just messaged him to say "Jam, I'm super tired today..." and he can comeback with reasons like, "Perhaps your period is coming? Or we had too much to do yesterday and today,"

He reasons with me like a man and I am just a little woman that whines about the little sore thumb. Who says I'm looking after a baby?

He's the one looking after the baby. And all I can do to make him soothe me like a baby is just to say, "Jaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..."

The night safari (photo entry)

2008-09-17T22:35:00.007+08:00

I invited the couples (Mel & Bong) to the night safari on Sunday night but Bong & Leo couldn't make it. So it was just Mel, Raven, Jam and I. So here are the photos (without any animals, sadly) that we took at the Night Safari.

I think you can guess by now I'm not a fan of just smiley photos. I like to make it interesting by acting silly at the camera.

Yet again, this photo is FTW!!

Best friends are alike, no?

For the last time, my eyes are not small! It was the flash.

SEE! I TOLD YOU!

I was totally trying to act japanese here with the slitty eyes. I fail terribly, I know. (ok, ok, it was the flash!)

MY BOYFRIEND IS HAWT! (ok, our boyfriends are hot.)

(au natural beauty)

You know why we always take these kind of couple shots? That's cos Jam's hand is freaking long! NICE.

My shirt says "You can be my other boyfriend"

See, this is why I love my boyfriend. He's cute.

Now this is why he loves me. I'm cute.

And his facial features are oh-so-sexy.

We've come a long way. From ugly Australia photos to prom night photos to night safari photos

We were totally dancing at Night safari, man!

A failed attempt at trying to cover the word "You can be my other boyfriend"

Mr JAM looks good without specs, yo.

I swear I wasn't kissing him - I was smelling something on his face.

Last photo of the day goes to this: Do not look at the main subject (me). Look at the retarded faces I caught in this shot of me. Remember to look closely. Better yet, save it and zoom it in. HAHHAHA.

We missed you Bong & Leo!

English/Maths tuition teacher

2008-09-15T21:27:00.003+08:00

A simple sum like this and I'm defeated?

If Rajoo gives Sarah $15, he will have the same amount of money as Sarah. If Sarah gives Rajoo $15, she will have 1/7 the amount of money as Rajoo. How much money do they have altogether?

No way.

The thing is - now that I teach tuition, I have to go down to the primary 5 level and do it accordingly. Although we can argue that this question can be easily done by simultaneous equation or algebraic forms but really, the little kids of primary 5 don't really need to learn such torture - yet.

Oh for your info - they're using calculators already. Didn't I only start using calculator when I was in secondary 1? Oh god - these days the kids are so advanced in technology it's scary. They are hardly able to do trial and error (or guess and check, which is what they call it now) OR do mental sums.

I am disappointed.

Chapter 33# Wipe the slate clean

2008-09-13T20:03:00.005+08:00

wipe the slate clean
to make it possible to start something again, without any of the mistakes or problems of the past.
to forget all past problems or mistakes and start something again.

Cambridge International Dictionary of Idioms © Cambridge University Press 1998

I am going to try and make this work because you mean too much to me. I need your help in this as well. I need to know that I can trust you again.

# It's tiring to be in love

2008-09-13T18:36:00.002+08:00

I hate falling in love. I hate the feeling of missing somebody and longing to have them with you 24/7. Everyday, as soon as your eyes open, you'd think about him and you'll check your phone to see if there were any messages left by him. You'd run to the phone no matter how far away you are from it just to feel your heart race as fast as you did hoping that the message incoming is from the one you adore.

I like how it makes me feel all terrible inside when we fight and I like how it makes me feel all mushy inside when I whisper sweet nothings. It makes me feel human.

But most of all, I hate it so much because when you love someone so much, you tend to hate them as well. And when you realize the hate is over, you begin to tell yourself why bother about the hate? Why not love him for him, and love him whole?

And you end up telling yourself, we've come a long way. Not too long though, just long enough to be comfortable with each other. So much so that walking away would be too difficult and letting go of this whole thing would only create a scar on your heart that will never be fixed. It would only lead to tears and disappointment. So why bother?

Why bother breaking up when both of you are clearly so in love with each other? Honestly, especially when a relationship goes on for awhile, you start to complement each other - you start to think like each other, think for each other, and you long so much to be together. So why thread along the thought of breaking up? Why not live and let live, and hope that someday things will get better.

the scary place - the internet.

2008-09-11T11:03:00.000+08:00

Don’t you wish that sometimes you can take on an alias and go into the virtual world and chat with random strangers you never knew existed? Flirt like mad and have intellectual conversations with which you have no intentions of bringing them into the real world. I’ve had many instances like that. Some of which have made me wish I could take on a chat room name and be whatever I want to be over the virtual world.

A pity nowadays the virtual world has become a stinky place to be - where children are no longer safe over the internet, where predators lurk and preys get caught. We see an increase in psychopaths, child sex-offenders, paedophiles, rapist, murderer and scamers all over the internet. What has the innocent world-wide-web suddenly become? We used to have IRC (internet relay chat) – I think they still do. We used to have Alamak! Chat and all the other yahoo chats, ICQ instant messaging with which we have simple day-to-day conversations not worrying about the harm that internet bring.

But what do we have now?

There are times when I’m looking for some excitement, not Sexcitement. The kind of excitement a virtual stranger can give. The one of which I can talk to about the latest movies and the latest story book, talk about politics and world affairs, talk about the world and how it has evolved.

But who could provide me that, if not because Singaporeans lack the intellect to produce such conversations? I look to the internet. But then I find none other than people asking me for A/S/L and then soon they’ll be asking me to tell them what I’m wearing and it goes on. How disturbing.

pre-party photos.

2008-09-11T10:21:00.003+08:00

Apologies! These are party photos that I missed for the last one week. Here are the photos from the night of St James Power House. I meant, pre-party photos while waiting for a cab to St James.

My wedding cake

2008-09-09T16:03:00.004+08:00

This is SO going to be my wedding cake - I don't care!

Hi Mr Jam.

2008-09-09T10:14:00.003+08:00

The foundation of a relationship is very important. We draw the lines at certain events but at the same time, we need to give each other ample space to learn trust about each other. Sometimes, when trust is broken, the relationship slowly falls apart. However, it is through these obstacles that we hold each other like glue that will allow us the strength to withstand any storms in time to come.

A relationship is not easy. Nothing ever comes easy.

Mr Jam just broke the record of being the first boy that slept over at my place. How can he not fall asleep on my super comfortable bed with 2 big tortoise, 1 hamburger soft toy, 2 mushrooms (pink and blue), 1 small tortoise carrying a mushroom along with 4 pillows, 1 bolster (which I was holding through the night) and a comforter. He was practically hiding underneath the blanket the moment he reached my place. -_- (Ahbong will never be able to tahan the amount of items on my bed now)

Good luck for your Maths test today - hope whatever we tried to cramp in our head yesterday work!

p/s: I had my upper quadrant gum fixed yesterday. Now I'm a happy child with happy teeth!

#27: To the hospital I go,

2008-09-07T20:51:00.003+08:00

On a lighter note, Mr Jam ended up in the hospital yesterday and he was put on drip.

That is for taking too much alcohol and his "gei kiang" (smart aleck) antics of walking in the rain just so I can have the umbrella.

& the worst (not worser) of it all was that the only reason why the doctors had to inject water into him because he is not drinking (enough) water. So please, drink water before you get high fever like mr Jam and you end up in the hospital paying the S$90 consultation fee.

Zomgwtfbbq.

# Chapter 26: Crime of passion (a story I wrote)

2008-09-07T18:34:00.004+08:00

"I want to leave," rummaging through the cupboard making sure I do not leave anything behind.

"No. Everything can be solved. Let's not break up over this small thing."
"I refuse to. There is nothing we can talk about - nothing left to say. We have a communication breakdown and our problem starts from there. I want to leave now. Move so I can open the door."

"No. Please don't go. I love you." He hugs me.
My immediate reaction was to push him away whilst carrying 4 bags of my clothes and belongings from his room.

He stands at the door hoping that if he blocks this door, my heart will stay. I picked up my phone and called my best friend to come please take me away from this mess. But before I could even press dial, he snatched the phone away. I grabbed his other phone in instant reaction but to no avail. He was stronger than me and there was no way I could have overpowered him. I started screaming at him to give me my phone but all he did was hold the phone tightly with his hand as though it was his lifeline.

I ran towards the door to open it so that I can grab the house phone but he stood against the door making my reach for it impossible. He sat straight down with his head against the door and refused exit for me. I wanted so bad to call someone or to scream for help but I know whatever I did, there was no one to my rescue.

"Give me my phone - are you crazy!?"
"Sit down on the bed, sit down on the bed and I will give it to you."

I obeyed his instructions in fear of making him upset. Tears rolled down my eyes as I sat on the bed and all he could do was say, "Why are you crying? Don't cry," in this almost innocent voice. He gave the phone back to me only because my eyes were filled with sadness he has never seen before.

I called the best friends and almost immediately sobbed through my words because for a very long time, there was a comforting voice at the other side of the phone. All I could wish for then, was a teleport or a vacuum in the phone that could suck me right into the arms of my best friend so I can cry into her arms like a baby.

The comforting voice over the phone was not to be. I saw him pick up a jack knife and tried to cut his wrist in the bid of getting my attention. I screamed at him like a baby in fear that he'd cut himself in his unstable mind and wondered to myself what absurdity.

"Please don't do this to yourself!!" He said why. How could he question me at this point of time?

He swooped for the smaller jack knife when he placed the bigger one in my hand and he wanted to cut his wrist. At that, I felt so much as though I didn't want him to do anything stupid to lose his life over me. The passion in his eyes I could never take away - it will be one of the moments in my life I can never forget.

When I have assured him and I have taken both of his jack knives away from him, I squatted on the floor and screamed why he is doing this to me. The boy I loved who was looking at me there and then didn't look like he was capable of such an act. I wanted to leave the room now that I have secured both his knives in my hand but even before I could pull the door open, he sat there once again with the same drama repeating. My pulling of the door, and his pushing of the door back where it was in the first place.

His left hand pulled his miscellaneous box and out came a screwdriver. When I saw the murderous weapon, I pulled his hands away from the neck he was trying to poke. God - help me please. I don't want this boy I love to die.

I screamed "Don't do that - please!" It was right before my eye.
"You don't love me anymore,"

and all I could say was, "i do. I love you. Don't do this."

"You are leaving me. I have no reason to live."
"I am not leaving you. Now give me that screwdriver please" in all exasperation. I was crying and he was crying and we were both stuck at the situation with which we never knew why we reached. I sat and hugged him for at least a good five minutes assuring him I love him and that I never want to lose him.

The eyes full of love, hate and uncertainty - one of which is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. It is also the kind of eyes that I'd never want to see ever again.
***

A sudden flash of inspiration struck me and I wrote this. This is just one of the best pieces I've ever wrote that is fictitious. More to come!! The blog has been boring with events after events so I thought I pen an entry of a story. A story with which I wrote.

Chapter 25: Party like a rockstar.

2008-09-04T16:45:00.000+08:00

This is what I call partay. A pity we didn't took photos.

It was St James again last night where we drank and we danced the night away. Mr Jam is officially in love with clubbing and I seem to always have to go through the "starting phase" of somebody's clubbing spree. I went through Candice's first few times of partying (hard), Melissa's, Ahbong's.. now it's Jam's turn. Oh my. When will they ever let me grow up?

I don't like partying anymore but i'd like to share the joy of partying with people. It's the company, the atmosphere, the drinks that would complement the dance that matters at the end of the night.

Recollecting the things that happened last night:
# Too drunk to know that I ended up at Jam's place although I told the taxi uncle "Woodlands please." Hahahahha.
# Boys vs Girls TAH-ing spree. (FYI - The girls won! GIRLS FTW!!!!)
Leo & Jam vs Bong & I. We had to drag the Whisky Coke/Whisky Dry jug and see who finishes first. Obviously ahbong and I won!
# Dancing to "clap back" like a girl band because everybody followed the dance movement I told them. AHAHA.
# Jam can finish a tequila shot by himself! (plus 2 heineken bottle) and of course a lot of other drinks.
# Jam being unfaithful - dancing with Cheryl & Danielle! NICE!
# Jam lost his first kiss to a girl who's not his girlfriend! Miss Cheryl stuck her tongue in my boyfriend's mouth (as well as Leo's mouth). (What's new!?)
# Miss Cheryl drunk again and poor Chiobu (danielle) had to send her home - again!
# Mr Jam carrying Cheryl out of the club because as usual the deadweight incident happened again (at st james!) - lucky Charms wasn't there. hahahaha!
# Danielle realizes Cheryl can't drink - for nuts!!!!!
# Leo's angry (and funny) face when he realized everybody can look up his girlfriend's skirt when we were dancing on the platform!
# Nathan has a lovebite - courtesy of Cheryl of course. (i dont think she even knows!!)
# Bong and I arrived to work 1 and a half hour late - Leo did nahed go to work.

Thank you Miss Danielle(a?), Miss Bonster, Miss Drink-always-drunk Cheryl, Mr Leo I-can-drink-more-than-Lyn, Mr Nathan who-thinks-im-just-the-other-girl and Mr Jam.

For making me drunk and partying the night away. I know I swore to Danielle I was going to party again next week with her but......................... I'm sick of St James. So if there's any place I'm going to go, I'm heading to Dbl O on thursday night. Hor, Bong, Hor?

what my heart wants to say #Chapter 1

2008-09-03T11:13:00.002+08:00

A blog is a blog but no matter how many times I change my URL, I still find myself with the same number of unusually high volume of people coming to visit it religiously every single day. Even though these people choose to remain silent amidst my ordeal (or happiness), I think it's time for you to leave a note so I can keep a track of who is viewing my blog.

Words don't flow easily for me anymore. Does this occur because I'm so afraid of people judging the relationship and me? What happened to my principle of "Fuck it, fuck the world" and just rant away like I used to. I seem to be painting a pretty picture of the relationship but in truth, I'm not always this happy.

The relationship has taken a standstill and even though I try to ignore the problem, it just keeps coming back. Could this be just an obstacle that we have to cross together, or will I release my hand in this race to reach the finishing line? I'm tired, and although a relationship is not easy - I feel more and more like letting go every single day. I feel like letting go and never looking back only to realize that I love him and I don't wish to lose him.

Food for thought: Raven said "Do you love him for him (as a person), or do you love him because he treats you well?" No, wait. He used "like."

Even though a mask is used to hide away the feelings inside, it's not easy not being able to write what my heart desire. I have reached a point in the relationship where I don't know what I want anymore and I don't know if he can give me what I want to make me happy. Does "He makes me happy" outweigh the littlest problems of the relationship no matter how small it is? Does happiness sustain the long journey home?

Or does everything else in a relationship (plus the happiness) keeps it sane? Can happiness make me happy throughout? I don't think so. I realized that although it can heal the heart for a single moment - it can never erase the scar left behind and although I know he has tried his best in every way he can to salvage the relationship, every single day we face a new problem. One of which leads to our perpetual communication breakdown that I foresee myself running away from for a long time.

"If you can see the problem, why don't you give up?"

Because I can't.

"If you haven't even walked the way and you're already giving up now, then what's the point of holding on?"
"If you believe you're just a stepping stone for him, you will tire yourself out one day. The problem doesn't surface the first two months but in the long run - when you reach 6 months, a year, the problem will come back to you. By then, you will be too tired to hold on."

Already, I'm too tired to hold on. I'm as tired as a runner who hasn't been running for a long time running the 42.195km race without any training. I'm huffing and puffing and I'm feeling stitches around my stomach. My chest tightens, my heart race faster, my legs and hands wants me to stop going on and my mind says no. Every morning when I wake up, I lie to myself that today will be better. On good days, we don't fight. On the not-so-good days, a problem surface. I am left to choose whether I still want to hold his hand and go on.

Even though I would like to hold his hand when I'm cold sometimes, I feel like the one who's leading the relationship. I feel tired because I don't think I'll ever sit back down and not feel like somebody looking after a child. His actions some of which I cannot stand. Although I know he'd grow up one day, I can't stand how I feel like I'm dating a kid. Sometimes I have to tell him to do this and sometimes, I tell him not to do that.

I hate to do that because at the end of the day, I am only a girl. And I wish I had a prince who'd sweep me away and lead the relationship. For me to have the in laymen's term, "fuck-care attitude" or "fuck-the-world" attitude but knowing that somebody's going to shelter me from harm at the end of the day makes me feel that nothing in this relationship allows me this feeling. Cos when I'm with him, I feel the burden and I feel the need to look after him when the going gets tough. & That is not how I pictured my relationship to be. I'd always wanted to be the submissive one - the one who'd allow a guy to grab my hand and walk right in front to face the storm. But in this case, I feel like I'm the one who is grabbing his hand and walking right in front.

As though the traffic flows from the right and I'm walking on the right while holding his hand. As though I'm standing on the road while he stands on the pavement with heavy traffic. As though the rain falls and I stand on the side of the rain while he stands under the shelter.
As though I'm sleeping on the side that is close to the floor while he sleeps near the wall so he doesn't fall down. As though I'm sleeping on the side that has no blanket while he takes the blanket and covers himself. As though I'm sleeping on the floor while he sleeps on thebed.

As though I'm the one that says "It's okay, have all the fun you want in the world. It's okay if you fall down. It's only a learning process." I am tired. I am tired of running this race. But always remember, I am only human and I have my flaws too. I have my right to feel this way. I have my right to amidst all this, still love him and still do not wish to let go. I have the right to say what my heart wants to say.

Soft toy #2 & #3

2008-09-03T01:51:00.002+08:00

Mr Jam bought me another two soft toy because I absolutely enjoy having soft toys sleep around me. Plus he got me the durian cake that I've been craving for, for the last two days (although I've been having fever and sore throat.)

In Melissa's words, "Aiya you don't know meh. Carolyn's craving one bite only then the rest I have to finish" when she told Raven about my weird craving for durian cake. In the end, I had two bites and Mel and Raven finished the rest for me.

Thank you sweetheart. You are my sunshine.

Soft toys.

2008-09-01T22:04:00.005+08:00

I've got a new addition to the family residing on my bed. I know I look like a kid but I really like soft toys and I'm wondering if this child in me will ever go away. This is little tortoise and the little mushroom that I've been dying to have. Jam bought this for me when I was angry - God I feel like 19 all over again. How long has it been since anybody ever pampered me with soft toys?

I've got a bigger mushroom like the small pink one(in the picture) at Jam's place. It's red in colour and I still want the blue, green, brown and pink big toy. Should I even be spending money like this (or in this case, making Jam spend the money) on something that will easily be chucked on my bed and then left in the cupboard once I move house?

Over the years, those who loved me has bought me soft toys one way or other. Like my big tweety bird in Secondary 3 from Le 7s - the love. Big bugs bunny from an ol' friend. I've got three big tortoise from Cheers Connect, Inez and the seven sins for my 18th birthday. Like when will I ever grow up?

On my bed, I currently have 2 tortoise (the male and the female), one care bear, one hamburger and this new addition of the tortoise and mushroom. Along with four pillows, a bolster and a blanket. (FYI. I'm not sleeping in a queen-sized bed) If this is my said sleeping habit, I'm a really insecure person because I require the warmth of my soft toy to keep me through the night or my boyfriend to hug me to sleep.

That's why when Bong is over, I have to place my tortoise on the chair because she gets irritated when her leg kicks my soft toy. When Jam's sleeping at my place, he has no choice but to curl his leg up in fear of kicking my soft toy. But I don't care. Jam has a bolster, a really huge pillow/bolster, one pillow, two blankets and my red mushroom which he refuses to let me bring home. I intend to fill Jam's bed with soft toys as well. Ya I know Bong is saying "SIAN. CHUI." Hahaha.

You know - I want to have a room full of soft toys when I get my own place. That's it! I will never grow up. No, wait. I don't want to grow up.

Top of the world

2008-08-30T23:05:00.003+08:00

I know you read my blog religiously every night before you go to bed, so here's how I realized this is how I feel when I started singing this song while I was bathing.

"Such a feelin's comin' over me
There is wonder in most everything I see
Not a cloud in the sky
Got the sun in my eyes
And I won't be surprised if it's a dream.

Everything I want the world to be
Is now coming true especially for me
And the reason is clear
It's because you are here
You're the nearest thing to heaven that I've seen.

I'm on the top of the world lookin' down on creation
And the only explanation I can find
It's the love that I've found ever since you've been around
Your love's put me at the top of the world."

- Carpenters "Top of the world"

My mom used to sing this song to me when I was a kid. She'd tell me to find someone who can put me at the top of the world and sometimes I find my heart beating especially fast when I see him near. I find myself smiling extremely happy everytime I'm with him.

I think it's the love that i've found ever since he's been around.

# Chapter 19: Insecurities

2008-08-30T12:14:00.002+08:00

Insecurities always come about from the child in us.

We usually allow it to take over our sane mind. It controls our mind, body and soul and only your partner can satiate that insecurity of yours. Sometimes though, we have to learn to live and let loose - only then will we attain the power of trust. Like a kite - the harder you pull onto it, the faster it would break. The looser you hold on to it doesn't necessarily mean it won't break. It's the right amount of pulling and pushing the string until you know we have struck a balance - that's how we should treat a relationship.

We cannot always be suppressed by our partner's childish fear. This would eventually lead to a downfall where when we've reached our breaking point, there's no turning back. There's only going forth - with or without you. I think sometimes our flaw in us is always looking back thinking that whatever happened in the past would come back and find us. We've been through it a thousand times and we don't want to fall into the trap where we find ourselves back to the beginning again. So we take minimal steps pretending that accidents don't happen or that obstacles don't succumb in a relationship. We take small steps in hope that the moment we realized it's our folly, we'd pull our legs back and pray it won't hurt us. The truth is - it still would. Even in the smallest act, we'd have hurt ourselves one way or other.

At times, it's apt that we just follow our heart and do the craziest things because sometimes things will work well if we don't plan for it to happen.

Things will work well.

Chapter 18: Sentosa (photos)

2008-08-29T22:06:00.010+08:00

I know my blog has been wordy lately and even photos seldom find their way here. Can you imagine I can't even find a bloody USB cable at home that can enable me to plug my HTC up into my laptop without having to transfer photos one by one? I can't stand it. How come this phone won't allow me to mark all and send?

So here's how Sentosa was like:

on our way to sentosa!

in the cable car: this is the pleasure or the price i have to pay

he looks terribly good when he smiles genuinely.

my eye is not that small - i swear it's the sun!

*insert stretches arms and hands* ok, i dont know what he's doing.

i know you have a wide smile dear. everybody knows that.

This is just a preview of all his stupid pictures that will come:

Finally something taller than Jam. Mr merlion standing at 8.6m.

Yar, I totally was going to orgasm while drinking the f&n orange.

Oh no, Jam has an even more orgasmic face than I have. hmp.

Look at jam pee.

Jam says: I'm so going to pee for you to see.

Take that! I pee-ed.

Checking it out.

Shiok la.

Not very glam ah jam, drinking from the hole that 'pee' came out from. AHAHA.

Just being with me makes him happy - look at how retarded he looks.

YA, THE FACE.

Look there look there.

I tried to make a stupid face as well. I totally succeeded.

On the beach tram:

We have reached!

Mr Jam fails at being gay.

I totally succeeded in acting cute.

You me and someone's back: my favourite photo -.-"

We got our hands to doing this on the sand too! CLICHE things couple do at the beach. totally.

TA-DA he says

I just had to do that - kiss his butt for the world to see.

You mean happiness to me.

3 things.

2008-08-29T11:53:00.001+08:00

3 things to update

# I met my secondary school friends on Tuesday night. Well, It's been a long time since I last caught up with them and my god, it felt nostalgic. All of us strutting our stuffs along Lot 1. If memory doesn't fail me, It used to be us in our school uniform with terribly unglam bags and the maroon skirt thinking we're the hottest chick in town. Funny how we used to talk about school work over lunch but now we're talking about our workplace/future over dinner. I think only the strong ones still stand after the storm. And to top it off, I'm so happy to know that they are still constantly reading up about my life (from the blog, duh) even though we haven't been meeting.

# I partay-ed with Leo, Bong & Jam on wednesday night. Guess what? Jam is starting to finish a heineken bottle in less than 2 minutes and he can swallow Whiskey Dry/Whiskey Coke without giving the ohmygodwhatthefuckdrinkisthis face anymore. Now we can parteh more because my boyfriend can drink(and not puke) already! I really miss those 5, 10 days with drinks and dancin' all night long.

# Jam forced me to wake up in the morning yesterday so that we could go out and do some shit instead of staying home. So we ended up having sakae sushi and heading out to Sentosa - absolutely not planned. We took a cable car, took photos with the merlion, took the beach tram, wrote words on the sand, soaked on feet in the water and chilled out at cafe' del mar at night. Sometimes, things work best when it's not planned.
(Photos in next entry - when I manage to send up all the photos from my phone)

When it comes to Jam, I can't describe how happy he makes me feel. With him, I want to spend long days doing absolutely nothing just holding his hands and staring into his eyes. I find it funny how he's the first guy I bring over for my family dinner and how I never imagined this day to come.

Dental trip: Gum Problem #1

2008-08-26T10:13:00.001+08:00

You know how we'd cringe on the dentist seat and open our eyes throughout the session even though the light is shining directly on your eyes and godforbid, if the dentist is professional, he'd give you a sunglass to wear. It happened to me yesterady.

That even though I know I can just close my eyes and leave it all to the dentist to fix my gum, I couldn't shut my eye and fall asleep. It's the whole idea on how you'd want to open your eyes and be in-the-know if anything happens. So that if in the event, the dentist accidentally do something wrong, you can vouch for it that you saw exactly how your teeth was jammed up or pulled out.

That's the thing about human nature. Even though you don't really want to see it, curiousity and being the first one to know always seem to find their way home.

After awhile, when you realized that the dentist is professional in his own way and that you have absolutely nothing to worry, you start to loosen up and close your eyes hoping that evreything would be over as quick as possible.

The dentist gave me four injections just to numb my bloody gums & lip - making me extremely handicapped. I came out of the dentist with my lips looking like it is a bit bigger than usual and although it looked the same in the mirror, the lips didn't feel like it belonged to me. It felt like it was something stuck to my face - only irritating, never helping me.

I am in the process of fixing my gum problem - lower quadrant and gee, doesn't the dentist make so much money. It's S$600 just for the lower gum problem and another S$600 for the upper quadrant.. That's a big hole in my mom's pocket.

Please - brush your teeth properly. In circular motion, 1 minute for the top quadrant and another minute for the lower quadrant. Use soft bristles for your toothbrush, 35cm long and criss-cross bristles only so that you can take care of that big smile. And remember? the next time you see me - compliment me on the nice looking set of teeth I have now. Make my mom's money worth it, please. Mmmhmph.

#14 Conversation in the morning

2008-08-24T11:25:00.003+08:00

Jam: Baby I'm so hungry
Me: Where are you now?
Jam: Reaching your place.
Me: Okay, I made breakfast for you
Jam: Edible or not?

This got me super irritated. My immediate reply was, "If I was 15 and you ask such a question, I give it to you. But I'm 19 and you ask this kind of question - you really deserve a beating."

I can cook. Not just the maggi mee and the usual fried rice. I can cook more than that.

Instead of appreciating the fact that I made breakfast for him, he went and question my ability of making breakfast. To hell with you James Han, from now on - you do the cooking! If you don't know how to - then go and learn!

*super irritated face*

# A new phone!

2008-08-23T22:37:00.003+08:00

Before I forget, I had my mom give me her HTC Touch Cruise phone which she barely used - Now I have a new phone and I'm so psyched about it.

Woohoo!

It's advertisement says "Navigation at your fingertips," damn hell it's navigation at my fingertips. I have to use my fingertips to touch the screen and oh God I'm so afraid I'll scratch it. I am definitely not a lady user. All my phones have major scratches because I'm terribly clumsy.

And I can imagine Hazel's intrigued face when she plays with my phone on Monday. She always has that same face like a child prying into a new gadget everytime we have something new. I think it's a Gemini thing. :/ That's why I can't date Geminis. HAHAHAHHAA.

Chapter 13: Retire to bed

2008-08-23T22:30:00.003+08:00

I was about to retire to my own bed while watching this TV Series: The Secret life of an American Teenager when I received a call from Melissa asking me to go have a cup of tea (note: la teh) with her. It would be so nice to catch up with my best friend and thus, I've decided that screw the bed - I've slept enough yesterday and I should get up and get out of my house to go meet her.

Besides, she's driving our favourite Miss Su (the name of the car). It's going to be a "Me you and the car name Su (for Suzuki Swift)"again. I think it's nice to grow up - except I can't stand the fact that everybody's getting a license and a car while I'm not even driven to get my own FTT booked. This woman called me right after I finished putting on my mask, toned and moisturized my face. Wouldn't it be nice to jump right into bed and fall asleep?

I weighed my pros & cons and I decided that I'd rather go get a drink with her - be it tea or our usual heineken, and head right to my boyfriend's house to sleep in his arms. That'd make my night.

Full-fledged girlfriend

2008-08-22T22:32:00.002+08:00

The night is perfect for sleeping in and lying down watching movies like Notting Hill. The only thing lacking is a body I can turn around and hold while watching the movies. I have officially turned into a full-fledged girlfriend I am waiting like a love-sick girlfriend at his home for him to come back home from work. Oh how tortured I feel. Trapped in a house by myself, with his family - while I should be partying and drinking right about now.

But I don't mind.

A lie is a lie.

2008-08-22T12:01:00.001+08:00

I will never understand a woman. Even though I've been a woman(girl) all my life, I can never understand what makes a woman tick.

The key to a relationship is not meeting so often, so my friend says. That's the only way to keep from being bored of the relationship. Could it be that if we meet every single day - we will tend to cheat on our partners because we seek new excitement in life?

Then what about lying in a relationship? Can you condone lies? If you accept & forgive one, can you forgive the 387649108472 number of lies that will come after that? Even if it is a lie for a good cause or a bad cause, it is still a lie. No amount of justification (no matter how small or silly it is) will take that lie back. The lie has been told and in doing so will lead to the downfall of the relationship, one way or other.

Honeymoon period

2008-08-21T21:05:00.005+08:00

You know how they always say the first two month is naturally the honeymoon period of every relationship. Well, I guess we have passed the first two months mark and we are about to head to the boring, stale, fight-everyday kind of relationship.

Here's a conversation we had in the cinema.
Me: Jam, I want to hug you to sleep tonight but there's no point going over. You'll only be home at 3pm and I need to be up by 630. *burps*
Jam: WA LAU HOW MANY TIMES YOU BURP ALREADY!!

WHAT! .. I can't help it. Coke Zero makes me burp (a lot). There's so much gas in it so I keep burping in the cinema. Imagine that. I had Bak Chor Mee and Tao Kei Noi Seaweed (Tom Yum Goong flavour) and Wasabi Green Peas. What kind of smell would I be emitting from my mouth?

Unfortunately for him and fortunately for me, we're way past the stage where we have to impress each other. Slowly, our bad habits will unravel one after another and before you know it, we'll be pissing each other off by picking on each other's habit. And you know what's the best advise to give to the both of us? Deal with it!

On a side note, this is how I intend to change Jam's dressing to:

That whole british boy look. Turns the hell out of me on. The whole Lacoste polo tee with knee length pants and nice belt and shoes.. I quote Candice, "I can just cum on the spot".